To J...

Hello night sky and to the whole world...
Many stuffs have been going on recently...
Like I mentioned on the previous post, something really sweet happens and it is awesome.
Indulging those lovey-dovey stuffs for the past days and nights with him through texts and also video calls.
We did a lot of shit stuffs (normal and you-know-what-smirk) and also exchange knowledge (mainly language such as French, Tagalog and Chinese but also history and science)
I love doing all that, it is super awesome, fun and also with a lot of covering face moment.

However, I didn't realize that there are a lot of big problems behind this international relationship...
It is just a bit overwhelming when I think of it...
Space problem, we are both in a different space and it is terrible if having a very suck networking because the calls keep cutting off, it is super frustrating...
Time problem, which is bad if the school starts later and both will have different time schedule.
Hell I don't even think if I am available at all when the school starts, then I will just make people waiting.
I hate letting people waiting for me even though I know I did that a lot of time, I feel really bad...
Parents and friends problem, to be honest I am very concerned about what other people will think about these.
I am sensitive towards these...
I can sense people are judging...
Well it is true that I can choose to say fuck it and don't give a fuck about them.
Still I can't do it okay...
Then I have a family that is super traditional mindset, to sum it up would be (no success life = no sex)
I dunno if you get it or not, it means if you don't have a successful and stable life means no marriage and relationships...
I just can't see to have the courage to tell them that 'hey I am dating right now'.
They will be fucking judging both of us and they will definitely not agree about us together...
And it will happen again just like how my brother and his ex-girlfriend, 10 years of relationship gone just like that...
Money is the biggest problem of all, travelling and visiting each other, accommodations and daily basics...
It is slightly out of my league...
I am just a degree student with a lot of loan debts.
Hell I am still depending on my parents with my daily basics.
How do I take care of the other if I can't even take care of myself...

The next thing I said might hurt you a lot or you might feel mad at me...
Actually for days and nights, tonight is the worst, I feel tremendous anxious and worries...
I know I shouldn't say this, because I promised you that I should take a break and stop thinking about this...
I just can't stop thinking about it, I can't just take a break like that, because the problems are still there...
When you said you will be coming over here, I am really happy and excited because I can get to be with you closer.
Then we can do all those couple things will do...
But sooner or later, I have a lot of planning and considerations to make...
Then I started to feel damn I am not ready for all that...
Who is going to pick you guys up when you guys come over here...
I don't have total free time and I don't have a car...
I don't have a house and monthly income to do it...
What should I tell my parents about my disappearance?
I can make excuses for few days but for the entire weeks, what should I say or do?
They are not open and modern minded like those people in the Europe or other country...
This is just tough and scary...

Well I can't say all of these straight face to face to you while voice chat just now...
Because I dunno how to start it off, you are so happy just now and I don't want to ruin the mood...
But I did ruin the mood at the end because I can't hide it...
Then this is why blog exist...
This is where I wrote my deepest inner feelings...
Maybe you are right, about everything can be figured out later...
But I guess right now I am just not ready yet...
I dunno how to tell you that I am scare and anxious.
When you said that you dislike betrayal, the more nervous I get...
I am scare of the responsibilities and the promises that I can't keep...
I dunno if you can understand, but I need to be honest with you about how I feel about all these...

Do you think after 3 years will change everything?
That my parents will think I am ready to have relationship?
And by that time I might have my own monthly income to do whatever I want?
And we can travel each other country more often?
I love spending time with you really, but I always wish how awesome if we are in the same country.
Then it will be less problems...
Too bad, reality hits me hard and holds me back...
Those problems will keep coming back and haunting me.
I should be apologize because you have so much faith in me and you are being so nice and lovely.
When you said your dad's third wishes is to have a family, I really feel happy and warm. 
You are blushing and being so cute over there, it melts my heart and at that moment all I want is to hug you badly...
I really love you but I am sorry that I am such a weakling and keep focusing on the bad side and trying to break your trust...
You said you are a very patience man, but will you be able to wait until I am really ready?
Imagine if it takes more than 3 years, more than that you can imagine? 
To be real straight forward question, will your dick be able to cum the fuck down? (pun intended here) 
Worst, what if I am ready and by that time I have changed my mind?
Will you be able to bless me and continue to be bff?
Those questions are pretty selfish of me indeed, I am sorry...
You can ask me back the same thing.
Let's say if you are the one that are changing your mind and gone for a better girl that love you more than I do.
I will definitely bless for your happiness... 
You will never know what will happen anyways, you are still young and maybe there are better girls out there?

Okay those are my random thoughts, shit I am dragging this way too long...
So do you think I should just go with the flow and stop thinking about all these, take it slow for a moment?
If it works then we will be together happily forever and lovely and do whatever we have discussed in discord (normal and abnormal)?
But if it is not then let the fate decides what will happen to us?
I guess the main question you might want to know right now is "am I chicken out right now?"
Right now at this moment, I am not chicken out.
Not until I know what you will say and feel all about these message of my inner feelings.
I do love you, but the problem is I am not ready and I dunno when I will be ready.
I am being emotional and insecure again today and this post might change about how you think of me...
I am nervous on how you will feel if you read all these...
I am ready for your message once you have read this...
The sun is rising now, gosh I still can't sleep because of these...
Ciao world~