I wish to be strong...

Life is a troll.

There will be no perfect life for anybody.

There will be something that will fuck you up.

Something will never go according to your way.

I, a girl that brought a lot of burdens to the others especially my families.

I truly wish I am born perfect with no flaw.

I wish I was born without tooth problem.

I wish I was born without a disease that lasts until the end of my life.

I wish my body is strong without having difficulty in doing any strenuous exercises.

Maybe sometime I wish I was not born in the first place...

Because I am just a heavyweight that is holding people back.

How many money was spent on me for this ~20 years of my life?

And now more problems arising and more weight I am going to put on them.

Why will I need to bear this burden of guilt?

What is the meaning of me keep on living in this world?

Why will they have to suffer because of me?

I really don't understand...

I wish to be strong.

But every time I tried to beat something.

Another stuffs coming in.

How many challenges left for me to overcome?

The thing is, can I manage to survive all through that?

Can I overcome my inner voice?

Please give me some strength

Wishing for some motivation juice.
I am unmotivated.
The sky is so dark that my heart seems to lose its way.
Being woke up by headache in the early of the morning.
It is funny how J and I think the same about the headache.
We both thought we gonna have a tumour in our brain whenever we have a headache.
Haha, I just love how funny we are. 
Pretty much everyone is asleep.
This isn't the first time but I don't like the feeling of waiting for everyone to wake up and not feeling alone.
Anyways swallowed 2 big pills of paracetamol.
My throat hurts like hell because of that big size pills.
Head still hurts from yesterday, hope it will be alright soon.
I need to do something productive for today at least.
Good luck everyone, hope the best for you all too as always.

I am still alive

Well hello world, it is been a while I must say.

Blogger has changed a lot while I was gone, I almost didn't recognise it anymore.

I hope everyone here is doing fine as well throughout this outbreak.

It sucks, I know.

I guess most of the stuff is halted just because of the pandemic.

However, I want to say that always remember it is not the end of everything.

We can beat through this just like those past diseases such as H1N1, SARS and so on.

Just checking in before my online poultry class starts.

I thought of writing something and wanting to feel alive at the moment.

I found a comment that I love yesterday in Reddit would like to share with everyone here.

"Just remember that you are nobody until somebody loved you, and that somebody, is me. I love you."

Well, I guess it is almost time for me to leave again.

Back to work guys, good luck everyone.

The break

Is this the end of us...?
All because of me... 

I wanted to cry out loud...
I wanted to have someone to hug me and say it is gonna be alright...
But fuck I can't because I am at school and hostel.
I can't go back nor I have time for crying...

Is it all my fault?

Is it all my fault that I caused pain to other people?

If I didn't cry and act selfishly to force them together at that moment, would they have they be much happier?

If I were to let them divorce in the first place, would they have their own life now with another loves one?

What makes me then?

Where will I be by now if that really happen?

I am sad...

I am depressed...

I could've done something to make things right.

I should've let them divorce in the first place.

I should've traded my comforts with their happiness.

I shouldn't...

Why am in this kind of situation...

Why...?

Maybe I shouldn't have been born in the first place...

Maybe I am just a mistake...

The mistake that should've never made in the first place...

Attachment

Hello, world...
It is been a while, isn't it?
I have been through a rough way back.
Well, it is still a rocky right now despite it is a new year.
You know I used to tell people that "hey new year new life, cheer up mate".
However, this time I don't think I can be as cheer up as I am used to be.
It sucks for me to feel that way.
I feel unmotivated for practically everything.
Living, studying, exercising etc. you name it.

The older I get, the more the feeling of fear I get.
Time never stops moving and that is what I am scared of.
My grandmom, my dad, my mom and the rest of the people I know are getting older as I am typing it right now.
Even though I hate some of them, I still scared of losing them...

Have I told you a story of mine crying over a loss end kite?
There is a time when my mom and my aunt brought me to the beach and they got me a kite, a pretty cheap and fragile kite.
It was fun to fly a kite and I loved it so much.
But then what I didn't know that I let down too much of string and it flew off.
It never came back.
For that, did you know how many nights I have cried?
Almost a fucking week I cried over a kite.
I fucking hate it because I can't control my emotion.
Once I got attached to something and if I lose it.
Then I will lose myself as well.

The fear that I have now motivated me to distance myself from others even more.
I wish that I could distance myself and then I won't get any feeling towards anything.
Sound selfish, isn't it...?
Will people understand?
It is not that they are in fault, it is all my faults.
I don't hate anybody, I just don't deserve to be with anyone.
Maybe I don't deserve any of this.
Maybe I don't deserve to be here at this moment.
I hurt so many people by doing this.
What can I do about it?
It is really all my fault.

Actually all I have to do to tell everyone about it and then they will understand right?
But...
I just got no motivation to do so.
I just don't feel like doing anything.
I just don't want to confront anything or anyone.
I just want to let it all stop.
Stop making noise inside my head.
Why I can't just have a simple mind?
Will I be okay if I am out of this world?
Well, I am afraid that won't happen because I am a coward...

Just let me rot to hell...

I feel so fucked up, but I can't talk about it...

Kill me please or maybe put me into coma again...

Hard to go by

It is true that my friend told me it is hard to go by those feeling...

Those new feelings, are too hard to get over with...

I understand a little on why people acted spacing out, grumpy or maybe feeling unmotivated...

Oof, this is tough but I wish those feelings can move on quickly...

I need to regain myself back quick, feeling sorry for myself isn't gonna solve anything.

Read some articles today, just grateful that good authors existed.

They have helped lost people to be able to trace back to the right track, thanks.

To me and to anyone who need this, stay strong and hang in there.

This is not over yet, life is not over yet, you can do this!

This is just too overwhelming...

Hello world...

It is been awhile eh?

Well I hope everything is good for you guys...

To me, I am really not in a good shape since dunno god knows when...

There are a lot of bombshells going on and on... 

I can feel myself mentally and physically being torn into pieces...

My happy go lucky spirit is dying out, I have become weak for the past few weeks...

How many nights that my eyes are not dry and not swollen?

But then I realized that, I am the one that chose to walk on this path...

Is there any way for me to turn back?

Today someone threw a bombshell to me.

Well I have seen a lot of that in the internet but I never encounter one right in front of me.

To be honest, I am really shocked and scared at first.

I am still scare and I really dunno what to do about it.

I tried to help, to give advises, to explain some logic senses, to give suggestions.

I have spent my entire night thinking and worrying, I didn't really sleep much because it troubles me so much.

However it is a bit futile because I didn't help a bit.

Now I feel mixed emotions, feeling angry but still worry.

I know I shouldn't be like that, I should be more more patient.

Well I just got furious because how hard I try to make someone clear that it is pointless and doesn't fix anything at all but make more problems.

I fail to make someone clear in the head.

I have read about article that I should not ask why they do it and try to listen to them which I tried to do so...

But I am really angry that why can they be so selfish?

Why they choose to do something that hurt people around them and especial to me?

Maybe they have tried hard to stop that but can't because the urge is too strong, still I really wish they choose not to do it...

I am not gonna lie, it traumatizes me really...

If they really love the people around them, I really wish they can think of them before deciding to do it...

All the best, I give all my faith in you, I give all my virtual hug and love to you...

I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible...

Something pretty bad happen since last week, I feel terrible bad and guilty...

I mean I didn't mean to do it but I guess I have made at least 3 person feeling damn hurt and frustrated at me.

Today, I hurt someone that is kinda close to me, well even though we just met for like a month ago, we have a lot of fun together.

I guess this close friend of mine have been inviting me and waiting for me to come back and wanting to play a few round with me.

However shit came out because bad timing and I always break my promise with him and ditch this close friend of mine.

Well just now I can see he is real mad and disappointed in me...

Same goes to another 2 person I guess...

This is just bad and I can't stop feeling bad...

Sometime I wish I could separate into different space and fulfill everyone's promises...

You see, trying to do 'something' you are not used to it really is tiring.

I should have know damn well I should just be myself, that is what people around me keep telling me to do it.

However sometime it is frustrating because when someone need that 'something' from you but you can't give it to them.

It makes them disappointed and I feel so damn fucked up...

What should I do then, leave them behind or try hard to reduce my own fucked up feeling?

This is contradicting...

Truth can be a bitch and harsh but it is real...

Lies can be a dreamland of yours but it is fake...

Then I wish to know, would you rather pick the truth or the lies?

How do I able to tell the truth with sweet-coated words?

This is so tough, I can't take it really.

I can't tell you everything is alright when I know damn well it is not alright at all...

That is just cheating, it is like lying to yourself to feel much better...

It is like having to know your husband or wife is having an affair but you choose to tell yourself everything is alright and fine...

It is like you have killed someone with your own hand but then keep telling yourself nothing have happen.

Well I do respect the other opinion, like sweet-coated word does help for some situation.

I just need time to go through this, I don't think I can take that idea so easily, being taught in rough way since young...

In my opinion, truth is hurt but it wakes the people fucked up and stop lying to themselves...

Arghhh, my word is harsh again...

Fuck me, maybe I am the only one weird out here...

Well thanks so much to Mr N for lending your helping ear today.

Even though I just threw all my problems to you without asking you first...

I am so sorry but you are willing to listen and give suggestions and also lighten the mood.

I am thankful, your efforts I will soon repay back :)

Yeap...

Well you are right...
Maybe I should go sleep, fuck everything because I can't think properly now...
I hate you trust!
I hate you beer!
I hate you heart!
I hate you myself!
I hate you emotion!
I hate you rational cell because you left when I needed the most!
Sorry but not sorry, good night...

Urghhhhh!

I just wanna cry so bad right now...
But I can't because my brother just won't leave me alone!
Why...
Tell me why won't you leave me alone arghhh! (flipping table and throwing stuff in my mind)

Second time...

Okay this is the second time already...

While waiting and waiting for you but you never replied...

I keep telling myself that maybe you are bathing or eating, keep telling myself over and over again.

But there is always an inner voice of another self that keep telling me 'your boy is talking to her, you have been forgotten, girl'.

The thing is I don't care if you do or don't talk to her, what make me real angry and sad is that you could have let me know that you need time off to talk with someone else you comfortable with so you will be unavailable at the moment.

Instead of doing that, you blankly ignore me despite I know damn well you can see I have sent in multiple messages at different time,

You let me wait and worry about you for nothing then just to realize you are talking to her?!

The first time when you told me that you have finished your business but forgotten to un-mute yourself from the call because you were talking to her.

Although you talked with her for 10 mins, well that 10 mins I could have done something else...

I waited for an hour to find out that after you finished your business you were not return at me first but at her.

I was jealous of course at first but I am still cool with it, but now I am not, I am hurt and angry and sad!
I don't want to be like a jealous bitch because of that, so I was okay with it for the first time.

But for second time I am really pissed and hurt!

I was out for like 8 mins when you asked for help, I quickly reply you once I am finished my bath.

There isn't a reply so okay, I thought to myself, maybe you were busy cooking or something else...

After half an hour goes by, I sent in message and nothing...

Another 10 minutes, nothing again...

Then when I confirmed my guess is correct, arghh fuck I just can't take this anymore!
I just need a cool off and fresh air.

You know there is once, I even have a nightmare about her taking away you from me.
Afternoon nap is a bitch because it always shows my subconscious fear of mine.
That is why I detest afternoon nap, but I am shocked to get that kind of nightmare
I never dream about losing someone else but this time I got shocked and woke up from it.
Damn, where is my usual self, the one that is carefree and chill person?

I always set you as my priority but then I wonder, what or who is your priority?
I want to be the one that can help you with inside and also outside, not just from sexual side you know?
Right now I don't even know about that, to be blunt and harsh word, maybe I am just a toy to you.
That is all I can feel right now.

And damn why is everyone likes to disturb me while I am in such bad shape?!
Tell me why huh?!
Why are you keep spamming me?!
Why are you keep calling me?!
Why are you keep knocking my door?!
And thank you bro for bothering me with your sad stories and the beer!
Let me finish this bloody beer, I am so pissed because people keep bothering me when I need silence!

Oh "good news" tomorrow morning have to head to hometown, good timing~
No more internet I shall say...
Argh!

Just checking in~

What's up world~
Oof I am just checking in here for fun, I can't sleep tonight...
Tomorrow is the day when someone really need to go off to school for real this time...
It is real now and I don't think miracle happens twice hahaha~
Hmm I have been spending my whole time for past 2.5 weeks with him and suddenly the routine is gonna change.
I might feel weird I guess at first, but I can deal with it.
Let's get some productivity back shall we? :P
I am gonna learn new subjects and languages! 
Wait for me~
I am going to master tagalog so I can understand everything in either memes or conversations hehe...
Of course I wish all the best for you too hehe~
And shit the dawn is coming, I might as well close the light and try to sleep...
Or else my dad is gonna burn me alive with his taunt.
Ciao

Ups and downs

It is been like 16 days already...
There are a lot of sweetness and craziness but also there are a lot of troubles going through...
Lovey-dovey with each other and imagining things that what we will do when we meet up.
All being so fantasy, I feel so much happiness and longing...
Every night have been imagine I could just cuddle at you close.
But can that all become real?
Or it is just another fantasy of ours?
You being so lovely whereas I am being such a plain girl...
Am I really deserve you?
Where is my self-confident?
I guess it never exist in me...
Such a pathetic lady I am because I feel threaten by random girls because I think they are way better than me...
Then I start to feel shit about myself and ruin everything...
Just because I don't help myself, I blame on others...
Fuck it really...
Hate myself so much...

Hmmm what the fuck feeling...

Oof...
I dunno what to say bruhh...
I never felt intense jealousy before...
I mean what the fuck?
I can't really... 
I kinda hate myself...
Why am I get jealous so quickly?
And it is an easy thing that people know how to do it but why not me?
I hate it so much really...
I want to run away at that moment just like a pussy...

Busy in life is such a bitch, fuck it really...
I am always gone when people I love needed someone the most, it is just fucked up... 
Well I am just not good enough I guess...
I tried to change myself to be more lovely person but I just dunno how to comfort people...
That is not my forte...
I thought I know how to do it but when the time comes, I never cease to fail it...
I will always stay close but remain quiet, because I dunno what to say or what to do when people are being sad or having troubles...
I can only ask what's wrong and give my best logic explanations or my past experiences on how to deal with that... 
I never know how to comfort or care because I always solve my own problems by myself or just ask one of my friend about it because she and I have the same problems...
Love and comforting?
I am really not good even though I read a lot of articles or internet shit...
It is something that I can't learn can I? 
What the hell is wrong with me anyways...
I am being emotional for nothing, where is my coolness?
Damn heart, you are overpowering my consciousness again...
Maybe I am not ready for this...
I don't deserve to be loved I guess...
Just please stay away from me...
Love someone else but me please...

Gain an extra week for more fun~

What's up world~
Funny as well as miracle thing happen, remember the last post when I said someone is starting school?
Guess what? His school will only start for another week.
Which means more crazy day and night again with him~
Just realized that my time is almost occupied with him and all him...
It is slightly tough to keep up with others as well, no wonder most of my friends don't even bother to find or reply me when they are in relationship.
Oh well, I don't want to be like them so I am doing all my best at multitasking :P
Weeee awesome and I am happy~

A new beginning :)

Hello world~
There is a lot have been happening during this semester break.

I must say this is by far the best semester break I ever have so far!

Meeting new people online, playing and hanging out with them, it is just too awesome...

Well although I didn't do anything very productive like studying or working but still it is just fun!

Tomorrow gonna be different I guess because someone is going to school oof...

I hope he gonna have a lot of fun in school :)
I am gonna miss him so much <3

Plus I guess I need to brush up myself too...

I should prepare for next semester subjects and practice new languages!

Okay short summary of today journey...

Today is pretty tiring because my family suddenly decided to go Genting for no reason...

I almost managed to stay up all night yesterday celebrating the last day of J's school break but failed miserably because I passed out halfway huhu...

Then I get 1 hour of sleep and headed to Genting.

The journey is just miserably, I almost vomit during the ride home...

But I love the cold and windy weather, as a heat intolerance person the weather is just perfect~

The place really change a lot...

I remember Genting got a lot of stuff to play but I don't feel like it anymore @@?

Hmm maybe I am really getting older, back then at age of 5 I can't even play anything because I am so short...

I went to the casino after walking like a few round...

Oof it looks exactly like The Golden Grin Casino from PD2!!!

Nostalgic moment when I tried hard to steal all money but fail miserably hahaha!

But the smell of the casino is just toxic (weird because it will make you stay there longer it seems)

I just love to see people playing roulette, it is interesting because the chance of wining is close to none.

When people win big, that is just awesome :P

But not really into gambling my own money for that, it is definitely not gonna work anyways...
Better work my ass off for my money :3
Quote by someone "no money no honey" LOL

Oh and funny stuff happened you know?

We went there far from home and my parents decided to have MCD over there.

It is just funny hahah because we traveled hours and walked around and had MCD at there...
Where actually I can just buy MCD nearby my house...

My energy is being wasted, I am dying today but thanks god I have my sleep back afterwards...

Even though they keep interrupting my sleep, well at least I get my 6 hours of sleep back...

Okay, I want to sleep early today and wake up early too.

Tomorrow is study time!

Ciao~

Sending apologize to my health

What's up world~

I feel bad as I have been taking my health for granted during the holiday...

I feel the need to change real soon or else I will end up killing myself :3

Saying is easier than doing it seems, I have been telling myself to change my schedule to a better and healthier lifestyle since last 2 weeks I guess.

But to no avail, I failed miserably...

Back in hometown where everyone here is living pretty healthy lifestyle...

I am surprise at myself for waking up early every morning.

Because most of the time I couldn't sleep so why not just wake up and stop wasting time turning on the bed.

However I didn't sleep for full 6 hours uninterrupted, this is kinda suck = =

I am gonna do this, I will change my schedule real soon!

I don't want to randomly sleep during the day time anymore huhu~

I need to stay fit and healthy :<

I know you guys gonna laugh at me for bull-shitting again, I am gonna prove it to you guys then hmph!

Finally there is a motivation of being healthy sparked inside of me, let's do this my fellow comrade!

Talking to myself again in this early morning lmao, all thanks to our best man - sleepless brain.

Brain couldn't function well at this state, beg with my nonsense guys~

Okay, I guess I shouldn't post weird shit again, I seems weird person af O.O!

Ciao~

To J...

Hello night sky and to the whole world...
Many stuffs have been going on recently...
Like I mentioned on the previous post, something really sweet happens and it is awesome.
Indulging those lovey-dovey stuffs for the past days and nights with him through texts and also video calls.
We did a lot of shit stuffs (normal and you-know-what-smirk) and also exchange knowledge (mainly language such as French, Tagalog and Chinese but also history and science)
I love doing all that, it is super awesome, fun and also with a lot of covering face moment.

However, I didn't realize that there are a lot of big problems behind this international relationship...
It is just a bit overwhelming when I think of it...
Space problem, we are both in a different space and it is terrible if having a very suck networking because the calls keep cutting off, it is super frustrating...
Time problem, which is bad if the school starts later and both will have different time schedule.
Hell I don't even think if I am available at all when the school starts, then I will just make people waiting.
I hate letting people waiting for me even though I know I did that a lot of time, I feel really bad...
Parents and friends problem, to be honest I am very concerned about what other people will think about these.
I am sensitive towards these...
I can sense people are judging...
Well it is true that I can choose to say fuck it and don't give a fuck about them.
Still I can't do it okay...
Then I have a family that is super traditional mindset, to sum it up would be (no success life = no sex)
I dunno if you get it or not, it means if you don't have a successful and stable life means no marriage and relationships...
I just can't see to have the courage to tell them that 'hey I am dating right now'.
They will be fucking judging both of us and they will definitely not agree about us together...
And it will happen again just like how my brother and his ex-girlfriend, 10 years of relationship gone just like that...
Money is the biggest problem of all, travelling and visiting each other, accommodations and daily basics...
It is slightly out of my league...
I am just a degree student with a lot of loan debts.
Hell I am still depending on my parents with my daily basics.
How do I take care of the other if I can't even take care of myself...

The next thing I said might hurt you a lot or you might feel mad at me...
Actually for days and nights, tonight is the worst, I feel tremendous anxious and worries...
I know I shouldn't say this, because I promised you that I should take a break and stop thinking about this...
I just can't stop thinking about it, I can't just take a break like that, because the problems are still there...
When you said you will be coming over here, I am really happy and excited because I can get to be with you closer.
Then we can do all those couple things will do...
But sooner or later, I have a lot of planning and considerations to make...
Then I started to feel damn I am not ready for all that...
Who is going to pick you guys up when you guys come over here...
I don't have total free time and I don't have a car...
I don't have a house and monthly income to do it...
What should I tell my parents about my disappearance?
I can make excuses for few days but for the entire weeks, what should I say or do?
They are not open and modern minded like those people in the Europe or other country...
This is just tough and scary...

Well I can't say all of these straight face to face to you while voice chat just now...
Because I dunno how to start it off, you are so happy just now and I don't want to ruin the mood...
But I did ruin the mood at the end because I can't hide it...
Then this is why blog exist...
This is where I wrote my deepest inner feelings...
Maybe you are right, about everything can be figured out later...
But I guess right now I am just not ready yet...
I dunno how to tell you that I am scare and anxious.
When you said that you dislike betrayal, the more nervous I get...
I am scare of the responsibilities and the promises that I can't keep...
I dunno if you can understand, but I need to be honest with you about how I feel about all these...

Do you think after 3 years will change everything?
That my parents will think I am ready to have relationship?
And by that time I might have my own monthly income to do whatever I want?
And we can travel each other country more often?
I love spending time with you really, but I always wish how awesome if we are in the same country.
Then it will be less problems...
Too bad, reality hits me hard and holds me back...
Those problems will keep coming back and haunting me.
I should be apologize because you have so much faith in me and you are being so nice and lovely.
When you said your dad's third wishes is to have a family, I really feel happy and warm. 
You are blushing and being so cute over there, it melts my heart and at that moment all I want is to hug you badly...
I really love you but I am sorry that I am such a weakling and keep focusing on the bad side and trying to break your trust...
You said you are a very patience man, but will you be able to wait until I am really ready?
Imagine if it takes more than 3 years, more than that you can imagine? 
To be real straight forward question, will your dick be able to cum the fuck down? (pun intended here) 
Worst, what if I am ready and by that time I have changed my mind?
Will you be able to bless me and continue to be bff?
Those questions are pretty selfish of me indeed, I am sorry...
You can ask me back the same thing.
Let's say if you are the one that are changing your mind and gone for a better girl that love you more than I do.
I will definitely bless for your happiness... 
You will never know what will happen anyways, you are still young and maybe there are better girls out there?

Okay those are my random thoughts, shit I am dragging this way too long...
So do you think I should just go with the flow and stop thinking about all these, take it slow for a moment?
If it works then we will be together happily forever and lovely and do whatever we have discussed in discord (normal and abnormal)?
But if it is not then let the fate decides what will happen to us?
I guess the main question you might want to know right now is "am I chicken out right now?"
Right now at this moment, I am not chicken out.
Not until I know what you will say and feel all about these message of my inner feelings.
I do love you, but the problem is I am not ready and I dunno when I will be ready.
I am being emotional and insecure again today and this post might change about how you think of me...
I am nervous on how you will feel if you read all these...
I am ready for your message once you have read this...
The sun is rising now, gosh I still can't sleep because of these...
Ciao world~