Hello, world...
It is been a while, isn't it?
I have been through a rough way back.
Well, it is still a rocky right now despite it is a new year.
You know I used to tell people that "hey new year new life, cheer up mate".
However, this time I don't think I can be as cheer up as I am used to be.
It sucks for me to feel that way.
I feel unmotivated for practically everything.
Living, studying, exercising etc. you name it.
The older I get, the more the feeling of fear I get.
Time never stops moving and that is what I am scared of.
My grandmom, my dad, my mom and the rest of the people I know are getting older as I am typing it right now.
Even though I hate some of them, I still scared of losing them...
Have I told you a story of mine crying over a loss end kite?
There is a time when my mom and my aunt brought me to the beach and they got me a kite, a pretty cheap and fragile kite.
It was fun to fly a kite and I loved it so much.
But then what I didn't know that I let down too much of string and it flew off.
It never came back.
For that, did you know how many nights I have cried?
Almost a fucking week I cried over a kite.
I fucking hate it because I can't control my emotion.
Once I got attached to something and if I lose it.
Then I will lose myself as well.
The fear that I have now motivated me to distance myself from others even more.
I wish that I could distance myself and then I won't get any feeling towards anything.
Sound selfish, isn't it...?
Will people understand?
It is not that they are in fault, it is all my faults.
I don't hate anybody, I just don't deserve to be with anyone.
Maybe I don't deserve any of this.
Maybe I don't deserve to be here at this moment.
I hurt so many people by doing this.
What can I do about it?
It is really all my fault.
Actually all I have to do to tell everyone about it and then they will understand right?
But...
I just got no motivation to do so.
I just don't feel like doing anything.
I just don't want to confront anything or anyone.
I just want to let it all stop.
Stop making noise inside my head.
Why I can't just have a simple mind?
Will I be okay if I am out of this world?
Well, I am afraid that won't happen because I am a coward...
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Deletepaiseh paiseh... hahaha
ReplyDeleteHey, how are you doing? I am still doing great. Just here to say hi to my old friend. Yea, being children when something that belongs to you gone missing you will be very sad. When I was a kid while in primary school, remember there was a round faber castel eraser? It was quite expensive (at that time). The reason this eraser being so "stand out" is that you really cannot break it by tearing which what was advertised that time. When I went to the mall, I beg my mom buy it me. She did with condition, I have to take good care of it as last time I always lost my stuff. One day, because my classroom was at the ground floor and I was sitting near the door, when stuff felt it always seems to felt outside. During class, that eraser was dropped. Being round and tiny it rolled like a wheel and rolled away. Since teacher was teaching, I really cannot run after it. During recess, I really spent the whole break time looking for it. I even asked people around to see if they have seen it. Some they say they have seen it and saw it rolled to the garden which have a lot of round stones which makes it even hard to look. I really went there spent whole day looking. I even skipped class looking, at time time many prefect wanted to "catch" me for not going to rehat. I just said I am looking for my eraser and I literally cried. After numerous hour of looking, school ends, exhausted I walk back to class. I have a feeling like the eraser was crying for abandoned it. It really felt... Alive. After I got home, kid being a kid, I took the promise too far. My mom don't really care to be honest, she say she will buy me a new one on the coming weekend. Even know I did not get any punishment, I still fell sad for quite long. Being a kid, sometimes, you really need to learn to let go. Just let it go to the things that you can't change. Like the stuff you lost, or the PM seat that you just lost. Learn not to cry over a spilled milk.
After listening to my story (I hope you did), I just wish to tell you just stay strong. There are still many people really care about you. Yes you deserves it! why? because you did not forced them to, they willing to care for you willingly. They do have a choice to abandoned you. Good bye~!! Tbh, typing comment in this small textbox is really hard. Can you like make it bigger? hahaha like you really hard to read what you have typed. when you scrolled a bit it moved a lot... lol
wow I am surprised tbh, I didn't realize there is comment in here until today, sorry though never expect a visitor >< but I am glad you shared your story. I felt bad for your eraser but I guess maybe someone took it and that eraser is not abandon. Thanks for the wishes really, pretty much appreciated. I hope the best for you too as always :) and LOL I didn't know how to make it big or small on this comment box, you teach me then hahaha!
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