It is been awhile eh?
Well I hope everything is good for you guys...
To me, I am really not in a good shape since dunno god knows when...
There are a lot of bombshells going on and on...
I can feel myself mentally and physically being torn into pieces...
My happy go lucky spirit is dying out, I have become weak for the past few weeks...
How many nights that my eyes are not dry and not swollen?
But then I realized that, I am the one that chose to walk on this path...
Is there any way for me to turn back?
Today someone threw a bombshell to me.
Well I have seen a lot of that in the internet but I never encounter one right in front of me.
To be honest, I am really shocked and scared at first.
I am still scare and I really dunno what to do about it.
I tried to help, to give advises, to explain some logic senses, to give suggestions.
I have spent my entire night thinking and worrying, I didn't really sleep much because it troubles me so much.
However it is a bit futile because I didn't help a bit.
Now I feel mixed emotions, feeling angry but still worry.
I know I shouldn't be like that, I should be more more patient.
Well I just got furious because how hard I try to make someone clear that it is pointless and doesn't fix anything at all but make more problems.
I fail to make someone clear in the head.
I have read about article that I should not ask why they do it and try to listen to them which I tried to do so...
But I am really angry that why can they be so selfish?
Why they choose to do something that hurt people around them and especial to me?
Maybe they have tried hard to stop that but can't because the urge is too strong, still I really wish they choose not to do it...
I am not gonna lie, it traumatizes me really...
If they really love the people around them, I really wish they can think of them before deciding to do it...
All the best, I give all my faith in you, I give all my virtual hug and love to you...
I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible...
Something pretty bad happen since last week, I feel terrible bad and guilty...
I mean I didn't mean to do it but I guess I have made at least 3 person feeling damn hurt and frustrated at me.
Today, I hurt someone that is kinda close to me, well even though we just met for like a month ago, we have a lot of fun together.
I guess this close friend of mine have been inviting me and waiting for me to come back and wanting to play a few round with me.
However shit came out because bad timing and I always break my promise with him and ditch this close friend of mine.
Well just now I can see he is real mad and disappointed in me...
Same goes to another 2 person I guess...
This is just bad and I can't stop feeling bad...
Sometime I wish I could separate into different space and fulfill everyone's promises...
You see, trying to do 'something' you are not used to it really is tiring.
I should have know damn well I should just be myself, that is what people around me keep telling me to do it.
However sometime it is frustrating because when someone need that 'something' from you but you can't give it to them.
It makes them disappointed and I feel so damn fucked up...
What should I do then, leave them behind or try hard to reduce my own fucked up feeling?
This is contradicting...
Truth can be a bitch and harsh but it is real...
Lies can be a dreamland of yours but it is fake...
Then I wish to know, would you rather pick the truth or the lies?
How do I able to tell the truth with sweet-coated words?
This is so tough, I can't take it really.
I can't tell you everything is alright when I know damn well it is not alright at all...
That is just cheating, it is like lying to yourself to feel much better...
It is like having to know your husband or wife is having an affair but you choose to tell yourself everything is alright and fine...
It is like you have killed someone with your own hand but then keep telling yourself nothing have happen.
Well I do respect the other opinion, like sweet-coated word does help for some situation.
I just need time to go through this, I don't think I can take that idea so easily, being taught in rough way since young...
In my opinion, truth is hurt but it wakes the people fucked up and stop lying to themselves...
Arghhh, my word is harsh again...
Fuck me, maybe I am the only one weird out here...
Well thanks so much to Mr N for lending your helping ear today.
Even though I just threw all my problems to you without asking you first...
I am so sorry but you are willing to listen and give suggestions and also lighten the mood.
I am thankful, your efforts I will soon repay back :)
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