Hella week

What's up guys.

I have some "time" while waiting for my video to encode to mp4.

I couldn't write down how busy I am recently @@

Maybe in the future I shall write it down lol.

It is funny, I am hell busy as fuck but I am still staying "calm".

Well, maybe not that calm but I can still telling myself 'I can do it'.

Argh damn, video encoder keep failing!

Oh my gosh, okay I am not cool now!

I am worry for my laptop, because I think I have over used my laptop until the whole thing turn unresponsive D:

Hard disk error < sound very serious to me...

T^T I am sorry baby nitro, I will treat you better in the future...

Just bear with me now because I got a group assignment which in the end turn out to be solo mode...

Slightly pissed off with some of my moron group mates = =

Not gonna explain more, I need to finish my encoding first.

Talk to you guys later, I need to restart because it seems cannot work anything @@

When you have no power in deciding something = =

It feels so shit when you are with a bunch of irrational and insensitive people.
It is more worst when you have no power to decide which is the best.
I need another ranting session now.
Shake my head...

Okay here is the thing...
There are 2 class photo session on Wednesday (12pm) and Thursday(pick from 11am to 2pm).
Personally I chose on Wednesday because our class finish at 11am.
We can stay for another 1 hour there finish our "R project" programming.
Trust me, time flies when you doing your R project, 1 hour is very quick!
After that at 12pm photo session, I assume it will end at 1pm because you know Malaysian timing?
It is always late...
Then you just have to wait another 1 hour continue with the project and go for A&P practical at 2pm.
Easy and less hassle without going back or rushing here and there.
But you know what the others think?
They say they don't want to take photo on Wednesday because of some fucking clothes.
They wear white tudung on Wednesday, that is the reason they say they don't want to take on Wednesday.
So they pick on Thursday, but I fucking don't want to do it on Thursday.
Do you want to know why I don't want to do it on Thursday?
Because on Thursday we have lab at far away in the forest until 11am, sometime it will end at 12pm if the experiment goes wrong.
The lab is 20mins walking distance and no bus!
Then we have to fucking walk back to the bus stop and wait for the bus to the photoshot location.
Then we have to fucking wait for the photo shot at there at 1.30pm and I assume they finished at 2pm.
Then I have a fucking class at the main campus at 2pm.
Which I have to fucking wait for half an hour for the bus back to hostel and then interchange another bus to main campus!
You know what that pissed me off?
I told my opinion in the fucking group peacefully and politely by saying I prefer on Wednesday because of the reasons I just stated out above.
I even told them that I got class at main campus at 2pm so I wouldn't suggest to do it on Thursday.
What's next?
They fucking ignored my opinion and reasoning and insisted to do it on Thursday 1.30pm.
Just because they fucking wear white shirt on Wednesday and they will not look nice on it.
Fuck, I got no reason to go there on Thursday.
You fucking make me rush here and there even though I have told my inconvenient reason politely to you guys.
Asking if it is good to do it on Thursday when everyone agreeing on doing it on Thursday.
What can I say anymore when I already speak out my opinion and no one considering it?
Fine, do whatever you guys want.
I am just so speechless.
Fucking inconsiderate, irrational, insensitive bastards course mates = =
Ciao!

Edit 1:
There is one person that support my point of view, I am glad...
At least he can see how hassle it is to do it on Thursday.
If they do it on Thursday, I am not gonna go :<

Edit 2:
My friend is right!
She said I only need that one supporter, it is enough to turn the table around.
LOL thanks bruh, your support is useful and now they set it on Wednesday.
He said just do it on Wednesday because he wants to sleep on Thursday.
Just because of that reason everyone follows.
I dunno if I should be angry or what @@.
I am offended somehow.
I got class reason no one gonna consider but that guy want to sleep everyone follows.
Haiz @@

Shitty assignment...

I am getting pissed off with the Hubungan Etnik assignment...
I hate finding information about religions!
Too many grey areas and false information.
Pretty racial topics/questions during the class.
What do mean by asking if our god is alive or dead?
If it is dead, why would you keep praying?
What do you want?
Your religion's god is dead as well okay, why would you continue praying then?
Don't be such a racist fellow and ask stupid questions to drag me down (screwing my result)
I just don't get it why everyone makes such a big fuss about one's religion.
I am not really into that.
So what?
I am a sinner now?
Dude, everyone is gonna dead anyways in the future.
I just don't see the differences (well for now)
You wanna be good fellow and pray, then just do it.
But why do you want to insult or judge other's religion/belief?
Pissed off stupid racist fellow = =
If you are not gonna give me my 4.0 result, wait and see your teaching assessment review...
Jeez, what an asshole...

Weekend

What's up everyone.
It is story time!
I went for fishing class yesterday.
For literally 5+ hours, I didn't get a single fish D:
Holy shit, it is so hot and sunny.
There are a lot of fishes in the pond but still I can't catch it.
There is a person beside me that kept getting fishes.
It is not the baits problem because we use the same.
It is not the fishing rod problem either because another girl tried to use hers fishing rod.
Result is still the same haha!
It is not the location problem too because someone tried to stand where she stand.
Yeap, still no fish.
Conclusion, it is our face problem LOL.
Jeez, that is so disappointing and frustrating.
There is a meme about fishes and it hits me so hard lol...
There, this is it.



Shake my head...
I hurt my finger when I am trying to help the girl remove her fish out of hook.
It is so painful huhu...
I got headache for standing under hot sun for so long, I thought of walking back to hostel by bus.
But the bus driver don't let me enter T^T
I am so sad, why you do this to me...
Hmm, yesterday is pretty tiring and disappointing day.
Anyways, it is just another day.
During the night, I have a pretty long chat with a "wanker" I met in PD2.
Well, I am just kinda shocked to hear that he has a pretty fucked up family background at such a young age.
The story sharing happened so suddenly, it just happen when I asked a casual question such as how many siblings does he has.
I thought I have heard the worst stories from my friends but his story is by far the most fucked up...
I dunno what to say, the way he reacted to that situation is just shockingly mature...
If I were him at age of 10 with such tragedy, I would have just break down or cry doing nothing = =
Anyways, I just hope he can do well in the future and those problems will never get to him.
Thanks for sharing, I will pray hard for you better and happy future :)

Oh other than that, I realized that some people are trying to hide away from me @@
I dunno if I am true or not, well I just don't get it lol...
If wanna hide away from me, just do it less noticeable D:
Because I literally saw that fellow online for some time then straight away offline when I posted something.
Not just that, but many more evidences that I started to doubt something is wrong there.
Too bad some place/social media, you can't hide your last seen.
Maybe I am overreacting or oversensitive, just do whatever you guys like.
I just want to get it off my mind now...

After 1 week of semester break

Ha, what a hectic week...
I didn't even realized it is weekend now.
Shake my head, so much have happens for this week.
Well as for the outing that Sunday went pretty smoothly, like I said I have thought too much...
I should just go with the flow!

On Monday, it is Dr F's day!
My lecturer for A&P can be less stress for now because of Dr F lol...
I cannot cope with the tension coming from Dr H ><
It is honored to be taught by Dr H but I am just scare of Dr H.
Dr H is just too unpredictable which I am very afraid.
When everything run smoothly and then out of sudden storm is coming.
Peaceful Monday because Dr K is not around.

On Tuesday, I did something I never do before which is skipping class.
As a person that always follow the rules, I skipped class for the first bloody time!
I was contradicted whether should I skip or not the previous night.
But in the end, I am too hungry because I didn't have my dinner on Monday.
So I decided to skip the class that I most hate, which is Hubungan Etnik.
Well, thanks god I saved myself from a racist class @@
Hate you Hubungan Etnik!

On Wednesday, it is bad!
Holy moly, you know how struggle we all are on Wednesday?
We have to deal with smell of the goats that are preserved for almost 9 weeks!
Our duty/project is assembling the bones.
So they were cooking and oh my lord, the smell is unbearable @@
You could pass out if you are a very sensitive person...
Then we have to wash the bone T^T
I feel so bad for this goat but fuck the assignment = =
The smell stuck to all of my belonging and it is so tough to wash off the smell.
I can still smell the stink now huhu...

On Thursday, fuck English class.
I hate the lecturer so much that I started to hate English now.
How can you be so not semangat?
You always sign and complain when you see us = =
Is that a lecturer's attitude? 
If you don't want to teach then don't teach me D:
You make us all hate English because of you!
Tsk shake my head!
I went for the meeting for the top board committee.
Surprisingly, there are only a few of people @@
Well, I got an interesting post.
Which is totally out of comfort zone post, dealing with outside people etc.
But I am eager to learn on how to speak with strangers :)
Hope the best for me! 
Oh yah forgot to tell you guys!
I ate the best burger that night.
It is from Aroy Burger.
I tried the cheesy chicken burger and wow it is so damn delicious.
There is cheese inside the burger!
It is melting out and holy shit, I am craving for more now!

On Friday, it is gotong-royong day!
My faculty are so generous and gave us 10 marks merit for attending.
Thanks to both of my faculty Pak Cik.
Oh yah and screw you unknown Dr from that department!
You don't have to scold me for wearing slipper during gotong-royong.
You asked me to go back and change it, for what waiting for 30 minutes bus and another 30 minutes bus come back?
Somemore threaten me that you want to demerit me.
Who the fuck are you to say about me huh?
What I should take care of my own dignity?
I didn't realized my shirt is above my pants when I squad.
You could have just let me know that and not insulted me.
I know you got no harm but please use a better tone, that is pretty insulting my egoness.
Thanks for ruining my mood for that morning = =

For the whole week during night, I have a dance practice for next Friday performance.
To be honest, I am pretty pissed off with the organizer.
If you were to hire us to dance, then please show some respect.
Not the other way round by fucking threaten us to throw off our performance.
Oh hello remember? 
It is you guys that hire us, if you want to throw off our performance then do so quickly.
Don't waste my fucking time @@
You gave us the invitation with such last minute and you demand us the best dance?
Ha ha funny, you think we all are gods?
Pissed off!
But I really thankful for A, she helped and taught us patiently even though we are suck at dancing.
Thanks A >///< 
I owed you so much!

Okay that is all for this week I guess...
I got to off, everyone is asleep again except for me...
Tomorrow has fishing class for 6 hours @@
God please save me from dying lol...
Ciao!

*Sign*

After having a normal length of sleep, I am still feeling miserable T^T
I have an outing later on, realized that I have been worrying a lot about that.
I couldn't think of where to bring everyone to eat.
Anxiety eating me up.
I always try my best to make everyone as happy as possible.
However, I always scare that I couldn't please everyone.
I kinda hate going out as the main planner because I am scare of being judge for my choice of outing plans.
I never good at it since I always go to the same store that I am comfortable with or follow people around.
I wanted to go at a cheaper price store (because I am on budget now), but I am afraid that they will think of "why not enjoy ourselves more? Why go for such cheap store?"
The best restaurant I ever found would always be expensive...
If I bring them to expensive store, I scare they will say something else @@
It is bloody weekend, it will definitely a lot of people...
There are stores which I think I can bring them but it will be very crowded...
Haiz, am I thinking too much?
This outing started by my Form 6 president, I helped her by asking the rest whether wanna join or not.
Well as usual, I got a blue tick from some of them.
It is a bad timing to go out?
For my opinion, yeah since I have to go back to hostel later on but the movie is on the evening.
It is my fault anyways for not being brave enough to pick an earlier movie time.
Because I wanted less judgmental from them.
People always tell me that it is all on me, my call and I can make my choice.
I just hate it that I am unable to ignore the voices in my head, telling me to choose something they want.
I am utterly speechless and out of time now, gotta go!
Ciao

That's it!

I am gonna stop being self-pity right now.

It is time to move forwards!

Come on cells, let's look forwards to the future a.k.a tomorrow Sunday!

J'ai besoin de toi :(

Je me sens si seul aujourd'hui...
Mon âme sœur imaginaire...
Où es tu maintenant ?

An emotional day

It is another emotional day or night.

Well I don't know how to say this but fuck me I have been slowly killing myself by not sleeping.

It is the last day of me having my one week semester break.

I felt terribly horrible today, I still got lots of stuffs to settle after this break.

I am overwhelming with emotions, sadness, fear and also being anxious.

I am sad that it is over, the break is over...

I am fear of my unfinished homework mainly group works(x3), because no one is doing it and I couldn't finish it alone.

I am anxious because I was appointed as one of the top board for such a big society and I was involved with a dance performance in less than 2 weeks upcoming later.

I just dunno if I can handle it all at once.

This is crazy...

Time never cease to disappoint me T^T

Technically, I try to finish all my works during the day and do what I want during the night.

My brain is calling for help since the starting of the semester break but I am being selfish and ignored all the calls from my brain.

See right now, this is the consequences!

I am feeling insecure once again, I hate that feeling so much.

It makes me so weak, I detest so much for not being able to control of myself.

I am just really scare, not in particular reason but I am just feeling unsettling.

I am slowly losing my sanity huhu...

Though my family planned on going to Genting today but I knew them for so long.

They will never fulfill their plan and yes indeed nothing happen today.

-Sign-

I feel totally miserable and what can I do to reduce it?

Bye SCM music player~

Argh, SCM music player isn't working anymore in Google Chrome for a long time...

Maybe because of HTTPS stuff, it works fine in Internet Explorer.

I was bored today so I thought of fixing this problem.

I have been cracking my head trying to find the solution, trial and error the code in HTML editor.

I managed to make it appear in my blog but it doesn't play the song.

In the end, I gave up and deleted it.

Bye bye music player, I will miss you for sure (after so many years T^T)... 

I am wondering if I should change to wix.com?

It does look nice, I tried to create one just now.

It looks super complicated, but you can do whatever design you want.

After few hours, I guess never mind because I will stick to blogger.

It only look good if you post your own pictures, add your social media details etc on it.

But I rather keep it anonymous D:

So far only two persons that knew about this blog and I wish to keep it that way...

People might be calling me a hypocrite if they knew who I was T^T

Although I know I am one big hypocrite girl (just shhhhh)

I am bored and I still cannot forget how dumb I am just now...

I have been sleep late, as in really really late.

This is bad, I really need to go back to my hostel with my most healthiest roommate.

She will guide me to healthy life.

I haven't share about my roommates yet huh?

I shall do that in the future I guess.

Alright, I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Ciao!

What a dumb fuck I am D:

Oh guys, I feel like dying out T^T
I am so embarrassed with myself!
Why am I always look so dumb to those people that I respect so much?
Where should I hide my face now?
Where are my brain cells when I need it the most?
I hate myself for looking so stupid huhuhu...
I don't like to loss control of myself, I can do maths and sciences perfectly.
Buy why can't I socialize and understand people's joke?!
It is a simple social skill, I just can't do it right...
Let me hide in the deep hole for now... T^T

Another sleepless night

Once again, I am tired and it is late night.
I couldn't find any reason to sleep yet.
I got tons of homework yet to finish.
I got a lot of thoughts in my head.
I am having an existence crisis.
Oh come on, mind set stop!
Can't you think positive?
I am falling down now.
I feel damn numb.
Please help me.
Fuck my life.
Nobody.
You.
Me.
I.

Sorry, I just got bored for a moment...

Don't start anything if you are not ready

To the most of the people I know:

Just don't say anything if you are not ready to share.
I really mean it...
This is because,
      You make me guess.
      You make me ponder.
      You make me eager to know.
      Whether my answer is correct or wrong.

I am here, in front of you because I am all ready to listen whatever shit you have, I am all ears!
But if you are not ready or brave enough, is better to keep it to yourself...
I trust you by giving all my attention to you and if you are going to waste my time for nothing...
Then better find someone else to talk with, don't find me :3

Stubborn

Ha that's right, I am fucking stone-heart stubborn biatch :3

What you gonna do hmph?!

My bad, I sounded like a total jackass there.

Well, I am just being salty today...

I am slightly disappointed...

Why people can't be a little like me for awhile?

Okay wait guys, don't misunderstanding my statement, I don't want everyone to be like me...

What I mean is that, I really hope people can be less selfish for a moment.

I know sometime people have to be selfish to get what they want, what they desire so that happiness can be achieved.

Well, I dunno man...

It is just that I don't feel it that way.

If that thing isn't yours then it is not yours.

I know it hurts so bad but at least only one person that got hurt.

So that it can avoid other people in that situation (sad and hurt moment), you know? 

I wanna to tell story of mine...

It will be a long shit story, for my remembrance anyways, you don't have to read if you don't want to...

I dunno what to say about myself but I have a serious bad crush all the time.

During form 1, I was a gamer.

I played SDO all the time, it is a social game where you can play and chat with people.

I spent a lot of my money too in there to buy clothes, so that to make myself beautiful.

Well I totally regret that but it is done...

Then, I 'met' a guy called "CY".

I don't know why I was so crazy about him, I remembered I keep calling his name at school.

All I remember is that he is older than me 4 years old and he likes pink.

We used to chat using SMS, because back then I don't have a phone...

I used my mom's old Nokia button phone to chat with him.

He is nice, I remembered he helped me top up whenever I am out of credit.

However, I was dumb and young that time, I know nothing and I was busy studying.

So I ignored him and in the end he went on cheating with other girls.

Did I feel sad?

I don't remember to be honest...

Next, I got a weird crush on my tuition sir back in Form 4 I guess...

I guess he is older than me 7 years old if not mistaken and his birthday is just the day after my birthday!

But ha, of course I am rational enough for not confessing dafuq!

I didn't even share it to anyone other than one of my friend (yeah you!)

You see, he changed my life.

If it wasn't him, I would have stop my study after SPM, I would have just went to my mom's office and worked till I die.

But he inspired me to study, to look towards to the future.

I studied hard also thanks to him.

He is smart too, even got grey hair lol and a night owl too!

The stupid thing I did is I purposely went to tuition early hoping that he is in the room so I could just see him or casually chat with him (senpai notice me!)

But most of the time, he wasn't there and I was devastating T^T

I even got jealous towards a girl because senpai keep noticing her instead of me :<

I was crazy about him enough to stalk him (yeah I know I am very fucked up bitch but shhh!)

Anyways, I know we will never work out because I couldn't imagine to be with his sisters, which is my teachers as well.

I used those energy as my motivation, to keep me moving forwards!

After that SPM, I rarely see my senpai.

I started to live a normal and bored life.

Until I met a guy, he is very positive and out-going.

He is intelligent too with all sort of history and general knowledge and friendly as well.

We hanged out together most of the time with other friends also of course.

He introduced me with his friends and drive me out too, that is the first I ever sit a guy's car.

That is moment I felt, wow that is awesome!

But then one day I knew that he likes one of my friend.

I wasn't surprise because I knew it all along.

I knew I am just not good enough D:

Of course, I kept his secret for 1 year but he couldn't so in the end the girl knew it and she rejected him...

I was still not that crazy about him yet that time.

Until one day, I felt my heart-beating so hard and couldn't get him off my mind.

I realized that I am fucked up...

We continued doing our outing and hanging out.

I literally wasted a lot of time there. 

One day, a girl randomly pop up and thing kinda change...

Well as usual, you got to share what you got right?

So three of us hanging out after that.

But sooner or later, I felt like have became their light-bulb.

In the end, it is over.

I wish them happy, but nope they didn't end up together.

Sadly, things just changed, he and I couldn't be like those good old days...

Still I really hope we could be friend but I assume he chose not to because I will make him remember her...

I couldn't tell the whole story because I dunno who is reading this...

But that is kinda fucked up, my heart hurt so much to the point I loss hope.

I couldn't move on at that moment, I am devastating and I couldn't describe how sad I am that time...

So to deal with that, I went for a jog, I went jogging until I am out of breathe.

I am angry that why it has to be that way, I just couldn't understand.

All I wanted is to wish them happy but in the end he chose to ignore me just because I brought bad memories to him.

I don't mind we are not together, but I am just disappointed...

Recently, I got a new weird crush again...

I think I am going to say I am sorry to someone I know because I have lied about something.

At that moment I don't even think that consider as a legit crush.

It is all just one-sided...

This is fucking weird because this guy is way way older than me but I just fucking go crazy about him. 

Well, he already has a girlfriend so yeah...

It is a mixed feeling, I was happy for them but I am also sad, how I wish to be with him.

Weird thing is that he isn't smart looking and he is a chubby fellow.

He is a nerd, like super duper nerd fellow, he is those typical nerdy guy you see on the street.

I just don't get it what in the world I am thinking lol...

Well he is a very determine guy, when he is determine to something, he holds it strong until he succeed.

He is a very hardworking dude, but he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

He just works all day long and never rest, it hurts to see him trying so hard to make things right...

He is a very mystery guy, he likes to keep stuffs to himself.

He seldom share his problems, even though I know he got a lot.

Maybe not my right to listen because I am not his girlfriend.

He is a funny guy for sure, that time having an outing with him and his special guest, he doesn't tell me who is that special guest.

I keep asking him but he made me couldn't sleep till the week thinking who might be it, but I guessed correctly in the end muahah!

He is a very patient guy too, oh gosh you can never know how patient he is!

Because I am very suck at something, I mean suck as in really really suck at it.

But he will guide me patiently and slowly and never raise a voice in front me, although I know he did it in his mind.

I wasted all his night time sleep for nothing but he just continue to guide me!

I am really happy, he just gives off good aura, his laughter is so contagious and he doesn't make me feel bad at all.

Instead he makes me feel more stronger...

Now whenever I am pretty down, all I do is to think about him and it drives me forwards again...

Because if he can do it, means I can do it too...

I think I have way out of topic, because I get too carried away with all of my one-sided crushes :3

Okay summary, what I wanna say is that, you don't have to be devastating because things doesn't go as you have planned.

You can devastating for now but no more, no point anyways...

To deal with that, just convert those feeling and motivate yourself instead!

We all deserve better!

Maybe different people has different perspectives...

But mine would be I don't mind being alone, but as long the person I like is happy, then I would be happy.

I am sorry to those that have faith on me, but sadly I am not on the same boat as yours.

I appreciate it really, I am stupid and stubborn I know.

Whenever I determined to something I just go crazy about it and I tend to ignore the rest...

Call me whatever you want, I will care for a moment but not for long anyways :3

Ciao!