Tired

I AM MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY TIRED BUT I CAN'T SLEEP!
HELP~

P/S: I am just wasting my time here in blogger, trying to get some attentions. Will there any people here? Please notice me senpai~

(I am going to go crazy if this continues D: rational cell where are you?) 

Today story of my life #12

Hello!
Today... Oh yeah I mean yesterday, I have so much fun!
(Since it is 1.40a.m. now)
I just reached home after outing with crazy fellows, it is TGIF!
Right after work, I quickly went home and prepared myself.
I waited and waited their butts to come but I got ready too early, around 6.30pm I am done prepared and waited for them.
Tic tok... tic tok...
While waiting, I played my otome game, just yesterday I downloaded back to play~
So fast 7.30pm and they are on the way to my house.
Well I thought they will come and sit at my house awhile but too bad my neighbour parked his car at my house, no parking so I quickly dashed out into that fellow's car, the kidnapper's car.
You should hear when she called that time, how scary XD
Three of us headed to SetiaWalk, which I used to go there to study with my classmate at the chocolate cafe.
The place there is pretty nice and calm during the day, the night is more beautiful and lively, full of people...
We walked around to see got what food to eat and turned out we entered a western restaurant, the atmosphere is kinda cool and classic.
I ordered a Vietnamese chicken rice and holy guacamole it is a lot, I should've just order side or dessert.
I can't eat much nowadays, I dunno if this is normal or abnormal...
I have been struggling to finish all the food, pardon me for eating too slow haha!
Who called them to serve mine the last.
Next time if get to go there again, I shall try the spaghetti since one of the fellows said it is nice to eat.
We talked about our primary school for awhile, especially about the teachers.
I still think they are all crazy teachers, sorry to be rude but it is the truth and I am done with them...
Well sometime I do talk about them to express how I hate them, oh gosh this is so bad D:
After that, we went to second fellow's house and I really don't like their security system, too troublesome :3
You know what we did there?
We gambled and this is the first time ever I gamble...
My house never gamble, we did play poker but we play for fun and play without following the rules too.
This is the first time and sadly I lost RM6.
Tch, I thought I will win since I always win in this kind of game card.
Well, good bye my money, bye~
Yet, it was still fun haha.
If got 2 same card = win
If got 21 = win
If got King/Queen/Jack with an ace = win
Cool stuff learned today!
But sad case for one fellow who lost the most lol, I stole her luck :P
Every time she plays with me she will lose badly haha.
After finish gambling, we started to have some deep talk.
Actually I feel bad somehow after listening to second fellow's stories, I just realized how bad I know about her even though we knew each other for like more than 10 years.
I don't even know anything about her.
I always think of her being big boss, cool, confident fellow and last but not least like to thousand of hand people.
Then I just found out that actually she is not what I think she is...
So far right now after her stories, all I know about her is that she is rational, she knows what she wanted but she is a bit introvert, she scares the feeling of awkward, that's why she is not the outgoing type of people, she told us that she can't fit in and people sometime think of her as double faced person.
According to her stories, she doesn't have serious family issues like others did, I was glad for her.
But I just knew that she hardly have friends to always hang out and oh yeah I still think some of her friends are kinda shit @@
Somehow can relate a bit about no contacting with primary school friends, but I still think a few of close friends are enough to make my day happier.
I can say proudly that I got many friends, but the one that truly contact and meet up with me are just a few, one or two maybe...
Some of my friends, they treat you like a spare tire, only find you when there is no one else to find...
Some more worst, totally ignore you.
It is true that everyone makes blank promises, I do the same thing too.
But if I truly treasure the friendship then I will still find ways to get to you unless you don't want to involve yourself with me then fine.
One thing that I am so wrong about is that I always thought she is too high level.
I am just low level people, that's why I seldom initiate talking with her...
Now I know slightly about her, if can, I wish to understand her more.
It kinda sad when she talked about friends were all wrong about her, even I am wrong about her.
Oh damn, I can't sleep now! It is 2.50am and I am still emotionally thinking about this.
Contantly feeling the guilt, I feel so damn bad for being such a noob friend.
Someone please slap me~

Longing...

Oh hello guys!
I know, I know, the same good, old and boring opening.
What else can I do huh other than just say hello? :P

Today was unusually free, I am surprised that I got no job to do for the whole 8 hours.
I thought I will be busy than last time because I have taken a lot of days off for more than a week.
However, there is no job on my table.
Somehow I feel anxious and uneasy, everyone was busy except for me.
Oh yeah, there is a new colleague came during my leave and she is Miss R and she is a proofreader too.
That made more sense on why I got no job for awhile...
I guess she is half mixed Chinese and Indian because while I was teaching her on what a QA does and I accidentally heard she spoke in Chinese.
I am impressed, everyone in office is able to speak Chinese although they are not a Chinese.
So what did I do for the entire jobless day?
Technically, I was staring in front of computer for the whole 8 hours and did nothing. 
What for real?! Nahh just kidding...
I checked on my social media and as usual with all the messages were last sent by me so nothing can be done.
So, I was in Quora for the whole morning, time flies until I didn't even realized it was lunch time...
Quora is bad news, bad for me!
I quit that last time also because it will make my mind spin very fast and I will become more crazy lastly it stressed me out because there are too much questions going on in my mind.
Sometime I feel even more depress as I know nuts!
For instant, I don't even know who is the first person to step on the moon.
(In case you also dunno who is it, it is Neil Armstrong)  
When there is first person, there must be second too!
Same I don't even know who that second fellow is, well it is Buzz Aldrin.
After so many years, only today I know who are them.
Disgrace D:
Furthermore, do you even know that there is third person in the same unit but sadly he didn't land on moon so not much of people know about him, he is Michael Collins.
Moreover, actually they were not the first unit(Apollo 11) to the moon, there were others unit which went to moon but didn't step foot on it and went back to Earth.
Oh boy, pardon me for writing out of control!
There are also other stuffs that I am trying so hard to understand even though few hours of researching still I can't comprehend.
For example, Linux operating system, bitcoins, C language, C++ language and I also dunno about Hitler stuff...
I am suck at all these facts, the world is changing at a very fast pace, I feel like I am still standing on the same spot and make zero progress...

Oh yeah, I also got my result from the BMAT course that I have taken earlier of this month and I am not surprise with the result.
It was below average just as I thought.
Feeling sad? No, but I feel disappointed because I am not what people thought I am...
I am not as bright as what many people think of me...
Well, the story doesn't end here right?
Other than disappointing, there is a feeling of longing in me that I wish to get over it as soon as possible...
I feel something is still not right, something is missing here but I am unsure what is it...
Or maybe this is the effects of indulging too much of drama?
Just now, I read back the first manga I ever read entitled <The World God Only Knows>.
It is about a bunch of girls like one guy, fantasy and mystery type of manga, worth to read til the end, the ending is superb and it blow my mind away!
I know, for those who know me, I am crazy on this manga.
It never fail to disappoint me even thought I have read it many time, it always gets me right to the heart.
Not to mention that the MC is super hot and charming, not in appearance but his actions XD.
But that is not the point here, the point is this type of manga always gives hopes and purposes.
-Hopes that you will have a wonderful ending.
-Your existent in this world must have certain purposes that you need to discover yourself.
I dunno if you understand what I mean, well if you don't it is okay since I don't understand myself either.
There are many reasons why I am feeling such:
Maybe because I am not getting the ending that I wanted so badly.
Maybe reading too much of fantasy is not good because sometime it is just a false hope.
Maybe I am into too much of drama -_-
There are too many maybe(s) and maybe none of them is real and I am not real and so you are.
Oh gosh please, I should stop all these nonsense.
This is why you should not read too much and think too much!!!
Well actually this is not even half of my thoughts, there are more and it keeps on going and going in my brain.
I got no choice but to write it down since articles said writing thoughts in somewhere can temporary put them in safe place so that your mind don't have to be forced to remember everything... 

Oh yeah, last Thursday is indeed fun, went out with a fellow, two people in a world -direct translate-
Funny part is which it took us whole day and night to decide where to go because both of us are super indecisive haha!
After that day is a disaster, I got terrible headache and it feels like my brain is going to explode soon.
I might write about last week in another post!
For that one fellow who is going to face examination soon, wish you good luck!!!
For the one that taking result soon, may force be with us!!!
It is late now so I should ciao, have a great night!

Today story of my life #11

Yo bruh!
Today's weather is damn hot right?!
My gosh, my body is melting D:

(help~)

Okay back to the business now, update whatever happened today @@
Early morning, I went for jogging with my father around 7.10a.m. and back at 8.00a.m. 
After that, I went to my old secondary school to take my cert.
School has some changes, the wall looked nicer than last time, more artistic feels~
Yet the pool is still empty, throwback when the whole chinese society cleaned the pool and there are a lot of tadpoles during the cleaning.
I still remember which I put them in a bottle and raised them, they are all black in colour, so cute!!!
Sadly they all died because I dunno what to feed them TT...

I asked most of them whether they are free to take the cert, too bad only CCG available @@
I thought can have a yamcha section since is CNY but never mind, wrong timing ish ish.
Then, I followed my father to the bank to settle his stuff and around 10.30a.m. I reached home.
Awhile then father asked me to drive to Bandar Sri Damansara to visit relatives.
On the way to there, shit almost happen LOL.
(I didn't drive for like few months or more and now asked me to drive so far, thanks god nothing happen TT) 
There are a lot of cross roads, roundabouts and up-down bridges.
(I cannot D:)
The live GPS (my father)  sometime also confused me = =.
Just now there is Y-shaped road in front, my father told me to stay on the right lane but asked me to go straight.
There is a car beside me also stayed on the wrong lane, she wished to turn right and she didn't saw me signaling to the left.
Almost crash but I bet she didn't know because she didn't notice me LOL...

 

Lucky I was able to stop in time if not I will beheaded D:
(bro's car no play play, we didn't asked him before using)
Really need to take full attention on the road and be wise, thanks god T^T nothing happen~
Not good to drive at unfamiliar place without GPS, dunno which lane should I stick to.
So throughout the road trip it was unpleasant :3
Around noon, we reached their house, if not mistaken is my grandfather's brother.
When I first saw him, my heart ache for a bit.
I saw his face has more wrinkles compared to last year, his standing posture and walking indicated his body is weak...
Although we only see each other once a year, the feeling of sad is real...
Time goes by so quickly that sometime I can't comprehend it.
We are growing day by day and they are aging day by day...
Sometime I do wish that we can stop the time, enjoy the moment right now but it is useless thoughts anyway, it involves breaking the law of physics etc @@
Oh yeah and they didn't celebrate CNY because of his wife which is their grandmother passed away few months ago...
I dunno if it is appropriate to visit them because Chinese's tradition mentioned that if one has passed away less than a year, they should not celebrate any festival...
When my father chatted with them, I can see they are not really in a mood to celebrate CNY @@
We didn't stay long at their house, I just wish everything will be back great for them in the future.
On our way home, another shitty stuff happened.
I really hate the road at there, too much of up bridges and keep go round round, signboards aren't helping at all and I was too stupid for not using GPS ish!
One wrong turn straight to "holan" :<
But lucky there were no much car that time, can stop by and quickly use GPS.
Too bad wasted RM2.50 for the tol.
Then few minutes ride, my mom suddenly got dizzy and wanted vomit.
So quickly stopped at the road side for couple of times @@
If she vomited in the car, bye world I will not be seen anymore... 
She said that I drove horribly.
What?! Did I really that bad in driving @@?!
I fetched my classmates before they said I was a good driver!
T^T lies everywhere~
But I wondered it is she ate too much of fruits since yesterday, because her stuff all fruits...
(TT cannot be my driving skill is it?!)
Oh another fact, my mom felt dizzy so she opened the window behind the car.
I can't believe that will hurt your ears slightly due to some pressure?
It feels like you were in a plane and the pilot suddenly drove the plane downward quickly.
Yeah that feelings...
The sound like helicopter too :3
Anyway I hate that, open window while driving bad and is freaky hot, all the hot air enter...
Can't believe so many shit shit happened in one day...
Hopefully everything will be alright and nothing more happen!
That's all for today, ciao~ 

As quick as a drop of a hat, just like the rain come and go~

HELLO PEA~PLE!
Yeah that's right pea~ple, I am talking to you!
(Ps: I just like how the word PEA fits with -PLE)
Okay! No joke anymore, pardon me for being crazy for a moment!
A quick update!
or to be precise, to rant silly stuff :3

Ehem!
Just finished my job and damn, heavy rain poured down right after I stepped out of my office.
There is something I don't understand what's going on!
WHY THE RAIN ALWAYS POUR DOWN WHEN I STEP OUT OF ANYWHERE?!
No kidding, not once, not twice and not thrice but many many many time!!!
IS THIS SOME KIND OF PRANK OR WHAT?
MAYBE SOMEONE IS PLAYING WATER EVERY TIME I COME OUT?
At first I thought it was coincidence but after many times?
THIS A JOKE!
There's the time when I got out of office, right after I left office, HEAVY RAIN POURING DOWN --- BRUUUUAHHHHHH!!!
(= = the sound effect) 
I got no choice but to wait until it got less heavier.
When the rain getting smaller, I went to nearby restaurant for dinner.
At that moment the rain slowly stop, so I thought I wanted to go other place, more further away from office to eat.
BUT DAMN THE HEAVY RAIN STARTED AGAIN!
WHAT IS THIS?!
So I got no choice x2 but to eat at there, just when I entered the restaurant, it stopped!
AND GUESS WHAT?
Right after I finished my dinner and prepared to move out, IT RAIN AGAIN!!!
DAMN! AM I CURSED OR WHAT?!
WHAT KARMA IS THIS?!
(lol sorry for using so many cap lock XD but this not making any sense to me)

Okay, that is the first one and for the next one is about my job.
Damn for the past two days are just chaos in office.
Most of us busy like a group of ants preparing foods for winter!
Just when I thought there is no job in office because we all submitted most of the projects but the work continue piling up again!
Our client suddenly asked to change a picture from the booklet.
(Ohh change one illust, it will be easy. I guess this is what most of them think but HA they are so wrong about that!)
It is not just one miserable illust that have to change but the whole world that consist of around 30 languages.
Man, plus the picture changes are so minute and unnoticeable.
Huhu, why would they want to change this, change that at last minute and make our life so troublesome D:
I understand that they want perfect but not last minute bruhh TT
(I AM TIRED!!!)
It is so sad that two of my colleagues have left the office and the workforce getting lesser and lesser :( 

OKAY I THINK THAT'S ALL FOR MY RANTING SECTION!
I got no time to waste, have to prepare for my admission test on this coming Saturday, which is left 2 more days @@
(I am screwed!!!)
Ciao!!!

Observation

Hey!
Oh boi, finally I am able to open blogger and post something :3
It is so stupid that the office computer can't log in into blogger.
(thanks to Mr A the IT guy for blocking all the good websites)
Trust me, I have tried all sort of methods including the proxy thing you mentioned still can't D:
(but at least Youtube work fine in proxy site haha~)
 
After a month of working
(of course my salary is already in my bank haha!)
I can't say how excited and proud of myself for getting such money myself.
(MYSELF, I AM FUCKING PROUD)
Although it is not a big amount of money, still I am very happy of it.
This is the first time ever I work so hard to earn that mere money.
In that process, I do regret some of my actions from the past.
I used to compare myself with other families and I remember myself shouting 'I hate you guys and slap the door' just because I didn't get what the girl get.
What a childish/selfish piece of shit am I lol :3
Of course I will still comparing now but damn I shouldn't get upset for what I don't get anymore O.O
Money isn't easy to earn and seriously fucking tiring.
Before complaining about how suck your life are, it is better to switch a day with them then you will understand what I meant just now.
Maybe it depends on which job are you taking (for above statement) 
However, if you work like shit and you have shitting accounting people + stingy boss then congratulations your life gonna suck af.
Just like how my mom's office, I don't understand why the income never increase, worker getting lesser, the sales remains but the company seem to be dropping every moment D:
Stupid boss don't want to hire more people, the jobs are never ending, each projects settled by the same person. 
Sorry for complaining boss, how I wish I could understand current situation and stop calling you stupid :3

After becoming proofreader, I tend to observe more shit and learn a lot of shit too especially foreign languages.
My one of to do list is ongoing tho hahah XD
Say hi, this is me in office haha!
(I have to compare two paper so this cat is exactly how I will be like in office XD)
(unrelated GIF)
 

Today wanna share who I met and their impression to me in or outside of office.
Most of the time I eat lunch with 2 of my colleagues, my mentor and HR, sometime S and Mr A the IT guy will join us too.
My mentor, all I can say is she is always full of spirit, the fire person in office.
I don't know what is fire person means but I guess you know what I mean right haha XD?
She is just awesome, she did most of the jobs and she knows a lot such as languages.
But too bad she is leaving this month and I will be doom by then because it means all the jobs left me to handle, I still got a lot shit that I haven't learn!
I bet the office will be moody the day she leave tho because she is the core of the office!
There is one day that she didn't come and the whole office = dead fish.
She is leaving the office and going to become a lecturer at a college.
(told you she is not a simple person/aunty she is a UM student too! the school that I wanted to join the most! admire~) 

HR, she is the one that handle the paper works and she stay nearby my house plus her children is from the same primary school.
(I ever wonder if that fellow remember who am I lol?)
It is funny when mentor and HR told me that they save this spot for me to come, before I enter the office, they interviewed a lot of candidates, they rejected all and keep convincing the boss don't hire them.
Pity for the past candidates D:

S, she is the one that sit beside me and I take orders from her too.
My impression about her is that she is very soft when talking, I hardly hear what she have said, a very cool mom through the way she wear, indeed not the old woman type.
Sometime she shares a lot of interesting facts, good to talk with her.
She is like a superwoman too, she is consider the head of the projects.
Whenever anything happen, suppose the boss should come out and protect us but instead of him, S the one that help to block the bullets.
S indeed suit her, superwoman and shhh hahah.

Mr A the IT guy, he is another sad worker in this office.
He always starts work at morning until the next day of 4a.m. because the jobs he got to handle are as high as the Kota Kinabalu, Sabah lol.
Actually he is very kind fellow, because of my mom doesn't know how to do HTML stuff, he got to stay up and do for her.
Too bad boss doesn't hire more experience people, office only got him that handle all the stuff...
He also treated us KFC yesterday dunno for what reason but thanks haha!

About food, the food nearby the office is definitely nice and worth it!
(thanks goodness, food for life man)
Should come Serdang and try, not gonna lie.
There is a guy in one of the restaurant, whenever he saw my mom and I, he will shout and ask to come here in a friendly way of course.
If stranger passed by, I bet they will think we both are long best friend.
LOL I am curious is he ever 'kacau' other people like he did to us? Because I don't see he do that to other customers.

Move back to my office colleague, there are a few Japanese guys in my office.
No kidding, I love when they speak with each other, I love the tone they speak very intriguing XD
First is W-san, I am under his department too and take orders from him.
Different people indeed show different type of working styles.
My impression about him is that he is damn precise and oh gosh it is great to work with Japanese people.
This is because they do jobs with meticulous care.
First day working with him, he spoke very politely, teach you every details on what to do, he even give out some small notes for you in case you don't remember.
Compare to other workers, he is by far I think the best to work with.
I am more concern if I did something wrong but instead of complaining on how noob am I, he ask me about how his works, ask me anything to change, got any comment? 
As a small boss he is humble :)
Today he went back Japan for holiday :3
Sad he always brings the computer move here and there to work so his existence is high haha.

Second Japanese guy is S-san, he sit beside my mom and he is half Philippine half Japanese.
Today just came back from Philippine, brought something from there for all the workers.
(I haven't open it so I dunno what is it)
He is also one of the people that can brighten the office's mood with his voice and accent.
Not same department with him so dunno much.

Third would be F-san, this guy is also a mixed, half Malay and half Japanese, the sales-guy is what everyone calls him. 
All I know about him is that he comes work late and it seems like he doesn't work.
From what I heard from colleagues, he is a lazy guy but I can't judge him by that.
He also has his accent of talking English and sometime he will concern about the others, good guy, at least better than boss =..=?

Lastly the Japanese boss, my impression about him not really good as from what I heard and see, he is not quite a good boss?
I guess he really doesn't know how to handle employees, doesn't know how to appreciate employees and make employees miserable by taking the projects without asking whether we can finish it on time or not.
Stingy boss, as the biggest printing company but didn't print out 2018 calendar, everyone is fusing about this.
Until after a customer said that what a shame, the biggest printing company but doesn't print calendar, even other supplier print out but not this company.
Today wuala got it but not as nice as last year haha, happy now?

There are still got many more that I wanted to share, maybe next time.
Kinda tired for now after rushing one of the projects, due date is on Tuesday but I haven't finish yet TT 
Still thinking whether to work on weekends :<
Ciao~ Next post see you!

Bone-weary

Is December now.

It is me or the time fly faster day by day?

I was used to be a baby, a kid, a youngster, a so called hard-core student and now what the fuck? I become a part-timer as a proofreader at my mom's office.

Everything happens too quickly and it is so overwhelming that I cannot digest it right away...

I still remember the past few months I have been living in 'hell'.

The ups and downs, struggling to survive in STPM, closing myself in room trying to swallow the facts.

When the room ain't the best place, I went out to friends' house to study like "there's no tomorrow".

To be honest, I felt like dying, got a feeling of vomit every day and night, have difficulty to sleep every night and even when you finally got to sleep, the alarm ringed...

Is STPM that hard? Or you just like to complain?

For a normal person like me, ya STPM is tough.

I always thought I am above average when I was in secondary school, I did well, if I can I always try to perfect my score and I seldom faced any difficulty in studying SPM.

However when I studied STPM, I realized that I ain't above average, I am just normal.

I have reached my limit, although it is fun to study and I understand but still unable to score perfect.

For some of them, maybe the examinations or STPM is just an 'EXAM', it is not so important, it is just a ticket for further studies bla bla bla...

But to me, it is not just an exam, it is more than that and I cannot fuck it up...

When everyone around you gives you faiths and trusts, hopes that you will score and everyone thinks that you will become a successful person.

It is tremendous tiring because people have set you a background/an image as a successful person.

If you didn't fulfill it = you disappointed them, for all the faiths, trusts and money that have been scarified by them are just in vain...

I dunno what to say, maybe this really isn't big problem, maybe I am thinking too much but I can't stop feeling horrible, feel like shouldering a big sack of burdens... 

I came across a video in Youtube last time and I can relate to it because it is so like me at that moment...

Here's the video.

I seldom confront to anyone about all these problems because I always think maybe there is no people would like to listen because all these are just a part of life that everyone goes through, "why complaint so much?"
These thoughts always refrain myself from talking == AHHHH (screaming from the inside)

Moreover, I might get criticize by others and I hate criticisms...

I am the person that cannot accept criticisms and I can't afford people judge me.

That's why I keep living what people like me to be and slowly I am starting to lost myself...

But why am I writing all these right now? 

Well maybe I just want sympathy from other people but I am too dumb to ask for help, because "my ego is hurting"... 

Kinda lost and tired for few days...

It been 7 days I worked for 8/9 hours non-stop.

Reading, checking errors, circling those world-wide (around 30 language) templates...

You can't afford making any mistake because if you do, office goes bankrupt.

By the way, I finally know why my parents always reach home, just lie down there and do nothing.

BECAUSE IS FUCKING TIRED until you don't want to move or talk or eat...

IT IS TIRING and I AM SICK OF IT even thought it is just 7 days (today weekend got OT and I still got works that haven't done)

AHHHH!!!

Sorry, I just came here to complain because I really am tired.

I know everyone have tiring day so don't mind me if you don't like me complaining ><

My friends did ask me before why I start working so soon (right after finishing my exam).

I kinda feel bad and sad at the moment, because of working I hardly hang out with friends.
I am the one that say "hey! let's go out together during weekdays since weekdays not much of people XD"

The timing is always bad and I feel truly sorry :(

Whenever people ask for going out, I always been busy on something.

When people messaged me, I just ignored their message because I really am exhausted...

Of course I feel bad for ignoring, it is so stupid of me doing this while I am the one hating it.

I bet most of them hated/bored of me because I always like this rejecting them...

But actually isn't that, haiz I just hate myself sometime...

Dilemma, wanted to stay alone but I felt lonely at the same time =..=

Why work?

Of course money, I really need money.

I am not a rich person, the truth is my saving is always empty no matter how I cut down my spending.

I never go out shopping, even if going out with friends, I mostly just follow and enjoy how they spend their energy on finding clothes/accessories/facial products...

I seldom go out eat expensive food, even if really got go out with friends, I always try to order the cheapest one because I know I can't afford those high price food.

Sometime, I just wondering how others can spend their money without getting broke?

I really don't understand how they can spend so much and still got money.

I really didn't buy anything useless, even the books also I borrowed from people/school.

I just can't relate, all I did was saving money D: but I can't seem to have own money to buy whatever things I like. 

It is so unfair...

AHHHH money/friends/life/studies... SIEN!

I dunno if I can face the future, I dunno what am I now...

I sounded like a materialistic person now and I don't like it...

AHHH I AM CONFUSE...

I know I said this many time but I am truly lost...

I am trying so hard to become what people want me to be and starting to feel numb about what I truly like.

Everytime is like both people in my mind fighting against each other because some part of me wanted to enjoy but some part of me told me to think wisely before doing something.

One- THIS ISN'T FAIR, FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT!

Two- NO YOU MUST DO THIS, DO THAT!

Am I sound crazy?

Ah screw it I don't even know what am I writing right now ==

I just wanna say sorry because I am aware that I am not worth it as anyone's friend...
But I just can't stand feeling envy...

Aduii, that's all and ciao~

Why?

Yo another post for today.

I wanted to write this for quite some time but I always forgot to write.

Is kinda funny to say because I bet you can see how childish and stingy am I...

It is about my primary school stuff again.

Recently, I was added to a Whatsapp group called '6M'2010聚会'.

Ha, how funny is it?

After bloody 7 years?

After what everyone did back then primary school time?

Why now?

I don't even know if you guys still remember me but all I know is you guys are fucked up.

From the deepest of my heart, I never once forget how perish my life was back then.

Although for you, it doesn't seem worst to you.

For me, everything is shit.

How I wish everyone of you all screwed up your life, I know I am fucked up as well.

But I can't stand to see everyone of you all live happily.

It been long time yet I cannot move on.

I hate everyone of you all.

I want to puke every time reminded of you all...

Every pain of you all get are my pleasure and happiness.

Every success of you all get are the one that killing me.

Psychotic? Yeah right.

Why now bother to add me in?

This might be the most fucked up post I ever write I guess...

This is how truly I feel about my ex-ex-classmates.

Whenever I get upset when speaking about my primary school.

There will be one people always say 'if you think everyone is weird or shit, is means that you are the one fucked up here, you are the odd one.'

Am I really the one that is the problem?

Sorry I really can't get over it, I want them to suffer.

Too bad that not gonna happen.

It is so funny when everyone move on but not me.

I don't understand...

Shit

What's up guys, how's going?

If you are feeling good that's good for you but if you are not remember that bad day ain't gonna last forever.

As the saying goes, there will be rainbow after the storm.

 

In that case, I wanted to say that I am not feeling good at all for a moment.

I want to die but I don't have balls to die.

For those who has been battling so hard not to end their life, good job for you and I am really proud of you.

Even if you don't and gave up, you done great job as well, at least you are brave enough to go on that paths...

But just wanna say that there is not ending, the end is the start of another thing.

Easy to say but hard to action, I still need comfort, I need to get out of this heavy, dying and shit feeling.

I know some of you gonna say 'Who doesn't need that?'

To someone who just passed by I give you my virtual hug for you :)

It feel so shit when you are trying to tell someone that you are feeling shit right now and that person will reply 'You got what to feel shit about? Get a life will ya?'

I always regret whenever I tried to express it, because I know everyone is like that, most of the time I got are disappointments.

Tomorrow is my best soul mate's I ever have birthday.

It supposes to be the best event that I always looking forward to, but this time I feel a bit of shit.

It is funny that I called her my best soul mate but I kinda know nothing about her....

It is so vague, I don't even know what does she like...

Other than dogs, blue colour, shoes and cars, I am unclear of what she really interested to.

It is funny that I claimed myself I am her friend but I don't actually spend time with her...

I isolated myself from everyone, I am such a failure which I know it from the start.

I don't know what should I do for her, what should I gift to her...

I am not a romantic person, I wanted to do a nice birthday gift like what the others did.

But I realized I don't even really know what I can gift to you, because I seldom spend time with you right now.

I always been hoping that we could be on the same school or class, but that are not going to happen because you have found your own path and so do I (even though I dunno what I want to do after that)

I was busying with all my stuff, I hate it when the 24 hours isn't enough for me.

I am not a good time management which can settle my stuff while at the same time to please everyone I know...

-I hate people started to treat you nice after they finish their exam or assignment, I feel disgusted. They should have make a consistent efforts try to be with you and settling with assignment. 

-I don't like people ignoring my messages, they should have try their best to reply. It feels so gg, it made me feel like I am done something wrong and that person ignoring my messages.

Above are the things that shot me right in the head, both are my classmates told me before when they are feeling super down.

And no kidding, it reminds me of you and I wonder if this is how you feel about it?

I feel shit if that how you really think and I have ignored everyone in social media...

To tell the truth, I don't even know why I did that, I just don't want to be active in anywhere.

All I wanted is to get the best result as I am a person who scare to lose...

You know, after taking my sem2 result, it is getting worsen.

I was kinda dejected when I saw my result, it is not that good because got a 'D' for the paper that I most confident and the others are 'B-'.

And because of that, I have to take 9 papers at the end of the year.

Trust me, the stress is real.

I never feel the stress until today.

I am dying when the time always end so quickly.

I know that I have said 'I wanted to die' countless time.

It is irony that I against people suicide but I myself keep saying I want to die.

I wondered why am I signed up for this road...

Questioning myself whether this is the right path for me?

I wanted to go to UM but as I know, I need to get 4.0 in order to get in that university...

I afraid I can't do it.

I need more time, I need the ability of not getting sleepy all the time.

I still wish the person I care so much could have just stay nearby, to go on same school and so on.

Too bad I think I have disappointed everyone but I accepted it because I deserve it...

Maybe I am not worth it.

Sorry to write all those sad sad post. Ignore it if you found it disgust...