Hard to go by

It is true that my friend told me it is hard to go by those feeling...

Those new feelings, are too hard to get over with...

I understand a little on why people acted spacing out, grumpy or maybe feeling unmotivated...

Oof, this is tough but I wish those feelings can move on quickly...

I need to regain myself back quick, feeling sorry for myself isn't gonna solve anything.

Read some articles today, just grateful that good authors existed.

They have helped lost people to be able to trace back to the right track, thanks.

To me and to anyone who need this, stay strong and hang in there.

This is not over yet, life is not over yet, you can do this!

This is just too overwhelming...

Hello world...

It is been awhile eh?

Well I hope everything is good for you guys...

To me, I am really not in a good shape since dunno god knows when...

There are a lot of bombshells going on and on... 

I can feel myself mentally and physically being torn into pieces...

My happy go lucky spirit is dying out, I have become weak for the past few weeks...

How many nights that my eyes are not dry and not swollen?

But then I realized that, I am the one that chose to walk on this path...

Is there any way for me to turn back?

Today someone threw a bombshell to me.

Well I have seen a lot of that in the internet but I never encounter one right in front of me.

To be honest, I am really shocked and scared at first.

I am still scare and I really dunno what to do about it.

I tried to help, to give advises, to explain some logic senses, to give suggestions.

I have spent my entire night thinking and worrying, I didn't really sleep much because it troubles me so much.

However it is a bit futile because I didn't help a bit.

Now I feel mixed emotions, feeling angry but still worry.

I know I shouldn't be like that, I should be more more patient.

Well I just got furious because how hard I try to make someone clear that it is pointless and doesn't fix anything at all but make more problems.

I fail to make someone clear in the head.

I have read about article that I should not ask why they do it and try to listen to them which I tried to do so...

But I am really angry that why can they be so selfish?

Why they choose to do something that hurt people around them and especial to me?

Maybe they have tried hard to stop that but can't because the urge is too strong, still I really wish they choose not to do it...

I am not gonna lie, it traumatizes me really...

If they really love the people around them, I really wish they can think of them before deciding to do it...

All the best, I give all my faith in you, I give all my virtual hug and love to you...

I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible...

Something pretty bad happen since last week, I feel terrible bad and guilty...

I mean I didn't mean to do it but I guess I have made at least 3 person feeling damn hurt and frustrated at me.

Today, I hurt someone that is kinda close to me, well even though we just met for like a month ago, we have a lot of fun together.

I guess this close friend of mine have been inviting me and waiting for me to come back and wanting to play a few round with me.

However shit came out because bad timing and I always break my promise with him and ditch this close friend of mine.

Well just now I can see he is real mad and disappointed in me...

Same goes to another 2 person I guess...

This is just bad and I can't stop feeling bad...

Sometime I wish I could separate into different space and fulfill everyone's promises...

You see, trying to do 'something' you are not used to it really is tiring.

I should have know damn well I should just be myself, that is what people around me keep telling me to do it.

However sometime it is frustrating because when someone need that 'something' from you but you can't give it to them.

It makes them disappointed and I feel so damn fucked up...

What should I do then, leave them behind or try hard to reduce my own fucked up feeling?

This is contradicting...

Truth can be a bitch and harsh but it is real...

Lies can be a dreamland of yours but it is fake...

Then I wish to know, would you rather pick the truth or the lies?

How do I able to tell the truth with sweet-coated words?

This is so tough, I can't take it really.

I can't tell you everything is alright when I know damn well it is not alright at all...

That is just cheating, it is like lying to yourself to feel much better...

It is like having to know your husband or wife is having an affair but you choose to tell yourself everything is alright and fine...

It is like you have killed someone with your own hand but then keep telling yourself nothing have happen.

Well I do respect the other opinion, like sweet-coated word does help for some situation.

I just need time to go through this, I don't think I can take that idea so easily, being taught in rough way since young...

In my opinion, truth is hurt but it wakes the people fucked up and stop lying to themselves...

Arghhh, my word is harsh again...

Fuck me, maybe I am the only one weird out here...

Well thanks so much to Mr N for lending your helping ear today.

Even though I just threw all my problems to you without asking you first...

I am so sorry but you are willing to listen and give suggestions and also lighten the mood.

I am thankful, your efforts I will soon repay back :)

Yeap...

Well you are right...
Maybe I should go sleep, fuck everything because I can't think properly now...
I hate you trust!
I hate you beer!
I hate you heart!
I hate you myself!
I hate you emotion!
I hate you rational cell because you left when I needed the most!
Sorry but not sorry, good night...

Urghhhhh!

I just wanna cry so bad right now...
But I can't because my brother just won't leave me alone!
Why...
Tell me why won't you leave me alone arghhh! (flipping table and throwing stuff in my mind)

Second time...

Okay this is the second time already...

While waiting and waiting for you but you never replied...

I keep telling myself that maybe you are bathing or eating, keep telling myself over and over again.

But there is always an inner voice of another self that keep telling me 'your boy is talking to her, you have been forgotten, girl'.

The thing is I don't care if you do or don't talk to her, what make me real angry and sad is that you could have let me know that you need time off to talk with someone else you comfortable with so you will be unavailable at the moment.

Instead of doing that, you blankly ignore me despite I know damn well you can see I have sent in multiple messages at different time,

You let me wait and worry about you for nothing then just to realize you are talking to her?!

The first time when you told me that you have finished your business but forgotten to un-mute yourself from the call because you were talking to her.

Although you talked with her for 10 mins, well that 10 mins I could have done something else...

I waited for an hour to find out that after you finished your business you were not return at me first but at her.

I was jealous of course at first but I am still cool with it, but now I am not, I am hurt and angry and sad!
I don't want to be like a jealous bitch because of that, so I was okay with it for the first time.

But for second time I am really pissed and hurt!

I was out for like 8 mins when you asked for help, I quickly reply you once I am finished my bath.

There isn't a reply so okay, I thought to myself, maybe you were busy cooking or something else...

After half an hour goes by, I sent in message and nothing...

Another 10 minutes, nothing again...

Then when I confirmed my guess is correct, arghh fuck I just can't take this anymore!
I just need a cool off and fresh air.

You know there is once, I even have a nightmare about her taking away you from me.
Afternoon nap is a bitch because it always shows my subconscious fear of mine.
That is why I detest afternoon nap, but I am shocked to get that kind of nightmare
I never dream about losing someone else but this time I got shocked and woke up from it.
Damn, where is my usual self, the one that is carefree and chill person?

I always set you as my priority but then I wonder, what or who is your priority?
I want to be the one that can help you with inside and also outside, not just from sexual side you know?
Right now I don't even know about that, to be blunt and harsh word, maybe I am just a toy to you.
That is all I can feel right now.

And damn why is everyone likes to disturb me while I am in such bad shape?!
Tell me why huh?!
Why are you keep spamming me?!
Why are you keep calling me?!
Why are you keep knocking my door?!
And thank you bro for bothering me with your sad stories and the beer!
Let me finish this bloody beer, I am so pissed because people keep bothering me when I need silence!

Oh "good news" tomorrow morning have to head to hometown, good timing~
No more internet I shall say...
Argh!

Just checking in~

What's up world~
Oof I am just checking in here for fun, I can't sleep tonight...
Tomorrow is the day when someone really need to go off to school for real this time...
It is real now and I don't think miracle happens twice hahaha~
Hmm I have been spending my whole time for past 2.5 weeks with him and suddenly the routine is gonna change.
I might feel weird I guess at first, but I can deal with it.
Let's get some productivity back shall we? :P
I am gonna learn new subjects and languages! 
Wait for me~
I am going to master tagalog so I can understand everything in either memes or conversations hehe...
Of course I wish all the best for you too hehe~
And shit the dawn is coming, I might as well close the light and try to sleep...
Or else my dad is gonna burn me alive with his taunt.
Ciao

Ups and downs

It is been like 16 days already...
There are a lot of sweetness and craziness but also there are a lot of troubles going through...
Lovey-dovey with each other and imagining things that what we will do when we meet up.
All being so fantasy, I feel so much happiness and longing...
Every night have been imagine I could just cuddle at you close.
But can that all become real?
Or it is just another fantasy of ours?
You being so lovely whereas I am being such a plain girl...
Am I really deserve you?
Where is my self-confident?
I guess it never exist in me...
Such a pathetic lady I am because I feel threaten by random girls because I think they are way better than me...
Then I start to feel shit about myself and ruin everything...
Just because I don't help myself, I blame on others...
Fuck it really...
Hate myself so much...

Hmmm what the fuck feeling...

Oof...
I dunno what to say bruhh...
I never felt intense jealousy before...
I mean what the fuck?
I can't really... 
I kinda hate myself...
Why am I get jealous so quickly?
And it is an easy thing that people know how to do it but why not me?
I hate it so much really...
I want to run away at that moment just like a pussy...

Busy in life is such a bitch, fuck it really...
I am always gone when people I love needed someone the most, it is just fucked up... 
Well I am just not good enough I guess...
I tried to change myself to be more lovely person but I just dunno how to comfort people...
That is not my forte...
I thought I know how to do it but when the time comes, I never cease to fail it...
I will always stay close but remain quiet, because I dunno what to say or what to do when people are being sad or having troubles...
I can only ask what's wrong and give my best logic explanations or my past experiences on how to deal with that... 
I never know how to comfort or care because I always solve my own problems by myself or just ask one of my friend about it because she and I have the same problems...
Love and comforting?
I am really not good even though I read a lot of articles or internet shit...
It is something that I can't learn can I? 
What the hell is wrong with me anyways...
I am being emotional for nothing, where is my coolness?
Damn heart, you are overpowering my consciousness again...
Maybe I am not ready for this...
I don't deserve to be loved I guess...
Just please stay away from me...
Love someone else but me please...

Gain an extra week for more fun~

What's up world~
Funny as well as miracle thing happen, remember the last post when I said someone is starting school?
Guess what? His school will only start for another week.
Which means more crazy day and night again with him~
Just realized that my time is almost occupied with him and all him...
It is slightly tough to keep up with others as well, no wonder most of my friends don't even bother to find or reply me when they are in relationship.
Oh well, I don't want to be like them so I am doing all my best at multitasking :P
Weeee awesome and I am happy~

A new beginning :)

Hello world~
There is a lot have been happening during this semester break.

I must say this is by far the best semester break I ever have so far!

Meeting new people online, playing and hanging out with them, it is just too awesome...

Well although I didn't do anything very productive like studying or working but still it is just fun!

Tomorrow gonna be different I guess because someone is going to school oof...

I hope he gonna have a lot of fun in school :)
I am gonna miss him so much <3

Plus I guess I need to brush up myself too...

I should prepare for next semester subjects and practice new languages!

Okay short summary of today journey...

Today is pretty tiring because my family suddenly decided to go Genting for no reason...

I almost managed to stay up all night yesterday celebrating the last day of J's school break but failed miserably because I passed out halfway huhu...

Then I get 1 hour of sleep and headed to Genting.

The journey is just miserably, I almost vomit during the ride home...

But I love the cold and windy weather, as a heat intolerance person the weather is just perfect~

The place really change a lot...

I remember Genting got a lot of stuff to play but I don't feel like it anymore @@?

Hmm maybe I am really getting older, back then at age of 5 I can't even play anything because I am so short...

I went to the casino after walking like a few round...

Oof it looks exactly like The Golden Grin Casino from PD2!!!

Nostalgic moment when I tried hard to steal all money but fail miserably hahaha!

But the smell of the casino is just toxic (weird because it will make you stay there longer it seems)

I just love to see people playing roulette, it is interesting because the chance of wining is close to none.

When people win big, that is just awesome :P

But not really into gambling my own money for that, it is definitely not gonna work anyways...
Better work my ass off for my money :3
Quote by someone "no money no honey" LOL

Oh and funny stuff happened you know?

We went there far from home and my parents decided to have MCD over there.

It is just funny hahah because we traveled hours and walked around and had MCD at there...
Where actually I can just buy MCD nearby my house...

My energy is being wasted, I am dying today but thanks god I have my sleep back afterwards...

Even though they keep interrupting my sleep, well at least I get my 6 hours of sleep back...

Okay, I want to sleep early today and wake up early too.

Tomorrow is study time!

Ciao~