Bone-weary

Is December now.

It is me or the time fly faster day by day?

I was used to be a baby, a kid, a youngster, a so called hard-core student and now what the fuck? I become a part-timer as a proofreader at my mom's office.

Everything happens too quickly and it is so overwhelming that I cannot digest it right away...

I still remember the past few months I have been living in 'hell'.

The ups and downs, struggling to survive in STPM, closing myself in room trying to swallow the facts.

When the room ain't the best place, I went out to friends' house to study like "there's no tomorrow".

To be honest, I felt like dying, got a feeling of vomit every day and night, have difficulty to sleep every night and even when you finally got to sleep, the alarm ringed...

Is STPM that hard? Or you just like to complain?

For a normal person like me, ya STPM is tough.

I always thought I am above average when I was in secondary school, I did well, if I can I always try to perfect my score and I seldom faced any difficulty in studying SPM.

However when I studied STPM, I realized that I ain't above average, I am just normal.

I have reached my limit, although it is fun to study and I understand but still unable to score perfect.

For some of them, maybe the examinations or STPM is just an 'EXAM', it is not so important, it is just a ticket for further studies bla bla bla...

But to me, it is not just an exam, it is more than that and I cannot fuck it up...

When everyone around you gives you faiths and trusts, hopes that you will score and everyone thinks that you will become a successful person.

It is tremendous tiring because people have set you a background/an image as a successful person.

If you didn't fulfill it = you disappointed them, for all the faiths, trusts and money that have been scarified by them are just in vain...

I dunno what to say, maybe this really isn't big problem, maybe I am thinking too much but I can't stop feeling horrible, feel like shouldering a big sack of burdens... 

I came across a video in Youtube last time and I can relate to it because it is so like me at that moment...

Here's the video.

I seldom confront to anyone about all these problems because I always think maybe there is no people would like to listen because all these are just a part of life that everyone goes through, "why complaint so much?"
These thoughts always refrain myself from talking == AHHHH (screaming from the inside)

Moreover, I might get criticize by others and I hate criticisms...

I am the person that cannot accept criticisms and I can't afford people judge me.

That's why I keep living what people like me to be and slowly I am starting to lost myself...

But why am I writing all these right now? 

Well maybe I just want sympathy from other people but I am too dumb to ask for help, because "my ego is hurting"... 

Kinda lost and tired for few days...

It been 7 days I worked for 8/9 hours non-stop.

Reading, checking errors, circling those world-wide (around 30 language) templates...

You can't afford making any mistake because if you do, office goes bankrupt.

By the way, I finally know why my parents always reach home, just lie down there and do nothing.

BECAUSE IS FUCKING TIRED until you don't want to move or talk or eat...

IT IS TIRING and I AM SICK OF IT even thought it is just 7 days (today weekend got OT and I still got works that haven't done)

AHHHH!!!

Sorry, I just came here to complain because I really am tired.

I know everyone have tiring day so don't mind me if you don't like me complaining ><

My friends did ask me before why I start working so soon (right after finishing my exam).

I kinda feel bad and sad at the moment, because of working I hardly hang out with friends.
I am the one that say "hey! let's go out together during weekdays since weekdays not much of people XD"

The timing is always bad and I feel truly sorry :(

Whenever people ask for going out, I always been busy on something.

When people messaged me, I just ignored their message because I really am exhausted...

Of course I feel bad for ignoring, it is so stupid of me doing this while I am the one hating it.

I bet most of them hated/bored of me because I always like this rejecting them...

But actually isn't that, haiz I just hate myself sometime...

Dilemma, wanted to stay alone but I felt lonely at the same time =..=

Why work?

Of course money, I really need money.

I am not a rich person, the truth is my saving is always empty no matter how I cut down my spending.

I never go out shopping, even if going out with friends, I mostly just follow and enjoy how they spend their energy on finding clothes/accessories/facial products...

I seldom go out eat expensive food, even if really got go out with friends, I always try to order the cheapest one because I know I can't afford those high price food.

Sometime, I just wondering how others can spend their money without getting broke?

I really don't understand how they can spend so much and still got money.

I really didn't buy anything useless, even the books also I borrowed from people/school.

I just can't relate, all I did was saving money D: but I can't seem to have own money to buy whatever things I like. 

It is so unfair...

AHHHH money/friends/life/studies... SIEN!

I dunno if I can face the future, I dunno what am I now...

I sounded like a materialistic person now and I don't like it...

AHHH I AM CONFUSE...

I know I said this many time but I am truly lost...

I am trying so hard to become what people want me to be and starting to feel numb about what I truly like.

Everytime is like both people in my mind fighting against each other because some part of me wanted to enjoy but some part of me told me to think wisely before doing something.

One- THIS ISN'T FAIR, FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT!

Two- NO YOU MUST DO THIS, DO THAT!

Am I sound crazy?

Ah screw it I don't even know what am I writing right now ==

I just wanna say sorry because I am aware that I am not worth it as anyone's friend...
But I just can't stand feeling envy...

Aduii, that's all and ciao~

Why?

Yo another post for today.

I wanted to write this for quite some time but I always forgot to write.

Is kinda funny to say because I bet you can see how childish and stingy am I...

It is about my primary school stuff again.

Recently, I was added to a Whatsapp group called '6M'2010聚会'.

Ha, how funny is it?

After bloody 7 years?

After what everyone did back then primary school time?

Why now?

I don't even know if you guys still remember me but all I know is you guys are fucked up.

From the deepest of my heart, I never once forget how perish my life was back then.

Although for you, it doesn't seem worst to you.

For me, everything is shit.

How I wish everyone of you all screwed up your life, I know I am fucked up as well.

But I can't stand to see everyone of you all live happily.

It been long time yet I cannot move on.

I hate everyone of you all.

I want to puke every time reminded of you all...

Every pain of you all get are my pleasure and happiness.

Every success of you all get are the one that killing me.

Psychotic? Yeah right.

Why now bother to add me in?

This might be the most fucked up post I ever write I guess...

This is how truly I feel about my ex-ex-classmates.

Whenever I get upset when speaking about my primary school.

There will be one people always say 'if you think everyone is weird or shit, is means that you are the one fucked up here, you are the odd one.'

Am I really the one that is the problem?

Sorry I really can't get over it, I want them to suffer.

Too bad that not gonna happen.

It is so funny when everyone move on but not me.

I don't understand...

Shit

What's up guys, how's going?

If you are feeling good that's good for you but if you are not remember that bad day ain't gonna last forever.

As the saying goes, there will be rainbow after the storm.

 

In that case, I wanted to say that I am not feeling good at all for a moment.

I want to die but I don't have balls to die.

For those who has been battling so hard not to end their life, good job for you and I am really proud of you.

Even if you don't and gave up, you done great job as well, at least you are brave enough to go on that paths...

But just wanna say that there is not ending, the end is the start of another thing.

Easy to say but hard to action, I still need comfort, I need to get out of this heavy, dying and shit feeling.

I know some of you gonna say 'Who doesn't need that?'

To someone who just passed by I give you my virtual hug for you :)

It feel so shit when you are trying to tell someone that you are feeling shit right now and that person will reply 'You got what to feel shit about? Get a life will ya?'

I always regret whenever I tried to express it, because I know everyone is like that, most of the time I got are disappointments.

Tomorrow is my best soul mate's I ever have birthday.

It supposes to be the best event that I always looking forward to, but this time I feel a bit of shit.

It is funny that I called her my best soul mate but I kinda know nothing about her....

It is so vague, I don't even know what does she like...

Other than dogs, blue colour, shoes and cars, I am unclear of what she really interested to.

It is funny that I claimed myself I am her friend but I don't actually spend time with her...

I isolated myself from everyone, I am such a failure which I know it from the start.

I don't know what should I do for her, what should I gift to her...

I am not a romantic person, I wanted to do a nice birthday gift like what the others did.

But I realized I don't even really know what I can gift to you, because I seldom spend time with you right now.

I always been hoping that we could be on the same school or class, but that are not going to happen because you have found your own path and so do I (even though I dunno what I want to do after that)

I was busying with all my stuff, I hate it when the 24 hours isn't enough for me.

I am not a good time management which can settle my stuff while at the same time to please everyone I know...

-I hate people started to treat you nice after they finish their exam or assignment, I feel disgusted. They should have make a consistent efforts try to be with you and settling with assignment. 

-I don't like people ignoring my messages, they should have try their best to reply. It feels so gg, it made me feel like I am done something wrong and that person ignoring my messages.

Above are the things that shot me right in the head, both are my classmates told me before when they are feeling super down.

And no kidding, it reminds me of you and I wonder if this is how you feel about it?

I feel shit if that how you really think and I have ignored everyone in social media...

To tell the truth, I don't even know why I did that, I just don't want to be active in anywhere.

All I wanted is to get the best result as I am a person who scare to lose...

You know, after taking my sem2 result, it is getting worsen.

I was kinda dejected when I saw my result, it is not that good because got a 'D' for the paper that I most confident and the others are 'B-'.

And because of that, I have to take 9 papers at the end of the year.

Trust me, the stress is real.

I never feel the stress until today.

I am dying when the time always end so quickly.

I know that I have said 'I wanted to die' countless time.

It is irony that I against people suicide but I myself keep saying I want to die.

I wondered why am I signed up for this road...

Questioning myself whether this is the right path for me?

I wanted to go to UM but as I know, I need to get 4.0 in order to get in that university...

I afraid I can't do it.

I need more time, I need the ability of not getting sleepy all the time.

I still wish the person I care so much could have just stay nearby, to go on same school and so on.

Too bad I think I have disappointed everyone but I accepted it because I deserve it...

Maybe I am not worth it.

Sorry to write all those sad sad post. Ignore it if you found it disgust...

Random post~

Hello to all night owls, here I am to random update~
It is kinda funny and hilarious to read back the previous post that I have posted few years back.
I can't believe that was I who wrote it LOL, it is just too cringe! ( but I think right now also cringe hahah )
Well, I dunno what to write also for this post.
Maybe I should update what's going on today.
Just done my MUET speaking test today ( bloody hell I am nervous as fuck from yesterday night to this morning )
After exam I went to KFC, thought can go back early but I realized that...
I have to fetch 4 people home ( and rip RM30 for petrol money just in case :3 )
I actually missed the day where I drive my car alone, sing in car aloud without anybody and most importantly petrol won't finish like water.
All I can blame is I don't have balls to act selfish, I wonder if being selfish can really bring happiness for a moment?
As I know that I keep on maintaining my reputation, doing everything for people's sake.
Is these really what I want?
Sometime I do feel like people are taking advantages of me, but my inner self of mine keep on telling me to be selfless.
So that my reputation won't drop...
I don't know man, it is kinda confusing as I always in dilemma situation.
Since it is very late, I will just update until here~
Tomorrow actually I have to wake up early to celebrate classmate's birthday~ 
Is just a quick update so don't take it too seriously because I just write whatever is in my mind.
Good night everyone! ( especially you o0o )

Inner thought #4

Oh boii, I can't describe how happy or feeling touched I am now (this whole essay will be explaining why I feel on cloud nine)
Seriously, I have been through shit days for the past few weeks, it was my second darkest weeks by far (the first darkest will be during after SPM period)
Everything was shit but don't worry nothing big thing happened.
It is just that events or plans always went wrong or didn't turn up what I was planned earlier.
First of all, I was planning to bring my friend to eat that day but ended up the car is used by my bro.
I thought I can go out and have a great time with my friends at popular book fair but ended up I only got to talk with them during the lunch time which is only an hour.
In school is even more worsen compared to that.
There are a lot of sohai or I can say fucker in my school.
I mean seriously, do you have to behave like this?
Running down on people, insulting people, talking nonsense, acting like you are a genius?
Come, let me tell you something.
Fuck you, go back to your house and suck your dick, oh wait sorry maybe you don't have a dick?
Oh boii, I never actually feel so annoyed by someone like this, he totally reached my threshold level (biology pun)
Another person also the same, I mean argh I have tried hard to help you to get over all the shit you are having right now.
But you have to help yourself too am I right?
Damn, do you want to know that everyone hates the facts that you are being emo or depress for one thing so often, it is very annoying and sometime you just spoiled the mood.
Is time to get over it, you don't have to magnify your problems, help yourself.
But don't worry, I am very good in tolerance such sohai acts of you all, it is good that I haven't slap or hit you in the face or your 'second brain' (be grateful for that)
However, it is funny that right here I am telling everyone to get over it and stop being emo or sohai.
Irony is that myself is also the same, well I will try to stand in your shoes to understand how you feel.
With that I will say sorry if it is very hurtful to you.
Because the past few days I was feeling so empty, I shed my tear in any moment, I was insecure, I felt myself very useless and etc (which I think it might be very common)
But I just don't know what has caused me to be in such situation, I just lost my positiveness suddenly (ops sorry I should use 'misplaced' my positiveness)
I feel like the world has nothing more, is pointless to live on, because I don't feel anything is worth to fight for, I don't even know what I really like or want to do next (but ha I strongly believe that suicide is not the best choice as well)
Other than that, I also got jealous sometime as people can really do well in every aspects, having very good appearance, having confident in themselves and last but not least everyone likes them.
I don't get it really, why am I so childish to even jealous on such stupid stuff... 
I also feel like I am running out of time, I think I might lose someone or something I dear so much, my parents are getting older and weaker day by day and I don't really spend my time with them very often, I am really scare that I will regret what I have done or haven't done...
I am worried for myself as well because my body don't really feel good, having chest pain for like months on and off, having difficulty breathing too, I want to check up but I don't really have time to go to hospital, I really hope it is just false signal and maybe I think too much. 
I am having big big stress as my parents really hope me to score very well, saying all those which I really don't like to hear, they are making me more fucked up really but I don't wish to disappoint them.
It feels like I have to choose either study or fun life...
Maybe all these shit explained why I was hiding, staying away from any connection I have.
I feel really depress, I feel like I am very 'noob', very shitty person, ugly piece of shit.
I have someone to talk to, is not that I don't have, is just that I don't want to keep complaining about small shitty stuff in front of her.
It is very annoying if I do it so, hence I ended up hiding away from everyone I know.
Sorry if really troubles everyone of you all...
It is weird, I mean I don't know if these shit that lead me to such situation?
Well fuck it, today I finally opened my eyes.
There is someone, the biatch I dear so much <3
I am so happy you came today to surprise me.
Although maybe for you is nothing or as you said, you scare you have disturbed me.
Well I am here to say NO, you do so great...
You helped me feel lively again, you really came at the moment when I feeling so dark and helpless.
Thanks seriously, I am grateful that I have such awesome biatch XD

Inner thought #3

Trust
Just want to ask you all, how much do you trust someone?
By someone I mean anyone in this world e.g. families, friends or even teachers?
You trust them fully, half or zero? ( do comment below if you wanted to )

I have realized something that people are easily to trust another people.
In other words, they get cheated easily...
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that trusting someone is a bad things or we should not trust people.
It is just my opinion that we all should really stop hallucinating on how someone will treat us better and promise us to protect us forever.
Well everything is just pure bullshit ( sorry for being so harsh )
I want to emphasize again, these all are just my opinions and thoughts ( >< don't come and fight me okay ) 
I have observed all kind of stupid stuff every year.
I have seen countless people crying for unnecessary stuffs some even crying for a person...
I can't stand it, I hate it so much...
Why people just don't understand they have to just grow up and start thinking that NOBODY does care about it...
Those people are not worth it for you to shed your tears, I mean REALLY THEY DON'T CARE WHETHER YOU ARE SAD OR NOT...
Because some people are just too cruel and materialistic son of a bitch...
You know something? Is pretty fucked up for me to know the truths...
It is really shit for me to know that everyone is hating that person but still that person is not aware why everyone is ignoring him/her.
It is really shit for me to see that people are doing all kind of bad stuffs behind someone's back.
So frustrating, I just wish that everyone could be just straight on how they feel and do...
Well at least I am trying to be straight right now, I will admit on what I have done so why don't you guys do it as well?

Please guys, let me tell you something.
If people leave you, has cheated on you or hurt you, then screw them off, don't ever look back and consider it as a lesson for not being wise.
Don't ever forget yourself, you are YOU, priceless and special human being...
It is true that it hurts, but you just got to be strong and think of another views, is their loss to lose you, you get it?
If someone don't want to be with you then is their loss, really don't belittle yourself...
Next time just don't easily trust someone, you can't know that he/she is true to you...
Do more observe will do.

To be honest, I am kinda afraid for those who trust me...
I mean I truly feel guilt for certain reasons.
As you can see, I don't even trust my own parents, do you think trusting me is a good choice? ( even myself doubting myself... )
I am afraid that one day I will hurt the one I most precious...
I am trying to keep my evil side as far as I can, if sometime I missing in action for no reason, that's the reason...
Arghh, sometime it is so contradict because I wish people to trust me but I am kinda evil and I don't wish to hurt someone...
So confusing and mind fucked D:
Well that's all for today ( my random thought just kick in lol, all kind of bullshit is inside )

Inner thought #2

I need hug...

I need love...

I need comfort...

I need someone to lend me their shoulders for me to rest...

I need someone to lend me their hands when I really need it...

Sorry readers, I rarely act so childish >< but I kinda fed up the life for a moment...

I hate it so much that things don't go the way I wanted to...

I have tried hard to help as many people as I can...

I have tried to give all my attentions to everyone around me and give them comforts or advices if can...

But it ended up I hurt someone else in order to ease another person...

I mean is it wrong to help someone?

I know I am wrong for slipped up a little secret, I am sorry about that...

But I really have no bad intention...

All I wanted was to just clear up the misunderstandings...

It is very frustrating and hurtful when you heard your friend said 'I hate myself... Why everyone is ignoring me?'

The worst is you know something but you can't really tell them ( fucking frustrating )

Moreover, I hate seeing people backstabbing that person and that person is clueless on what is going on...

So I chose wisely on what to talk to ease them a bit but argh I still fucked up...

The only reason I do so much of troubles and try hard to listen/understand people is because I don't want them to feel lonely or abandoned...

I wish I could be the one who can ease them and led them to a brighter place...

I just don't want people to feel the feeling that I hate the most --- helpless, clueless

Arghh, maybe I should not be such nosy... 

I feel deeply sad because I might lost trust from that fellow or more worst I might lost her/him completely...

I tried to not think too much and want to be as positive as I can but sometime it is so hard for me to force myself to be positive...
But I have you, which is the only reason that keep me sane, I guess I might go crazy without you ( like right now D: )
Well, maybe I should just get a rest, thanks for reading and have a good night guys...

I will be fine the next day morning :)

Today story of my life #10

Hello readers!!!

Today I went many places and it is freaky FUN!!!

Well I started off at Taman Botanikal Ayer Keroh, Melaka.

Peaceful place, nature sound and last but not least MONKEY ( don't mind me haha I am a city girl :P )

This Mr/Mrs Monkey passed by and just sat there waiting for me to take photo of him/her ( haha XD )

I went there jogging, accompanied one younger niece ( she is very annoying ish ish -joking- )

After that, I went to good old place and ate my breakfast, dry mee hun ( after jogging eat so fat also no use )

Then I slept for like 2 hours and went back to KL.

Weird dream I have there, I dreamed about all my tuition sir, they all became my step dads LOL... ( weird!!! )

Evening, I waited for my brother to reach home then we went for a movie.

He got his free tickets from NIKON ( cool thoo XD nice job he got there )

So around 7.30pm, we drove to IOI City Mall, Putrajaya there and watched 'POTC'...

Damn, the show finished at 10.30pm+ and the shops all have closed at that time.

OMG it was the first time ever I been in a shopping mall where every shops have closed ( weird but cool feeling!!! )

Then lights slowly closed and escalators were not working too ( indescribable fun )

Actually I have another party event organized by my classmate but I thought I can't make it so I didn't go for it...

Kinda feel sad because everyone is going, since I decided not to go then screw it!

Sorry ya and happy early birthday to your dada too :P

Another tragedy truth is I have to go for a movie with my classmates tomorrow too.

And they want to watch 'POTC', which I have already watched it today...

Aduii, too bad I can't convince my bro to watch another movie today, if not everything will go smoothly.

Well, never mind!

The thing is I go out not because of the movie, but because of the FUN with friends.

Everything worth it ( I hope so )

I am still headache-ing on what to wear tomorrow =m= ( someone please enlighten me~ ) 

That's all for today haha :P

End~

Inner thought #1

What's up guys :)

This will be very quick and short about how I really feel right now(might change all the time)

Before that I just wanna warn you that there is nothing special (mostly boring/annoying stuff)

So if you don't want to die of boredom, is time to get your 'mouse cursor' out lol.

Well, I have studied form 6 for almost 10 months already.

In this 10 months, I have realized that all kind of people are existed in here. 

The silent types, the weird ones, the crazy ones, the super high types and last but not least the fucker types :3

Truth to be told, it is quite fun to hang out with all those people, I am really enjoying it :)

But for certain reasons, I always feel like I am out of the grid (not just with them, anyone around me too)

Every single time, I have a feeling that I can't fit in the group, even though I am in a group.

Maybe sometime because of I can't really understand what's their jokes are about.

Sometime is because I have no knowledge about it (because when I was young, I read nothing D:)

So all the time, what I can do is to just laugh, answer yes/no/yah/ohh/cool/geng/amazing/wow/...

Well, I actually wanted to talk more about it, share something, crack a joke, prank people, talk cock with everyone just like how they do all the time.

But I don't seem a way to do it, I have nothing in me which I can share.

Since then I started to read random stuffs, I really wish that someday I can overcome this issue.

I am always the normal/uncharacteristic/shy person.

Which people might tend to forget about me after few years without contact(?)

Just like a character in The Lego Movie, Emmet (which is a completely ordinary lego mini-figure, insignificant character from the beginning lol)

I really feel kind of sad when I see everyone joking around so normally which I myself can't do it (sometime I can do it but most of the time I can't as I feel very awkward...)

I have tried to be as crazy/hyper/fun as them but mostly I got panicked and I just laughed like a weirdo :3

I know very well that I should not think about all these useless stuffs, but still I can't get over it.

I don't really know myself much, I don't even know who I really am, what special characteristic I have?

What things/stuffs I really like? What represent me? What am I?! (I feel lost =3=)

lol, I said it will be very short and quick but... (haha well is shorter than before right? :3)

By the way, who is still reading this, thanks for wasting your precious time for this lol!
-peace out and night night!-



For an unrelated topic(short diary), today I have acted stupidly as I didn't say it clearly what I really want and directly hurt someone's feeling :( I am truly sorry, I will make it up next time and promise that nothing like this(without saying clearly) will happen in the future...