I wish to be strong...

Life is a troll.

There will be no perfect life for anybody.

There will be something that will fuck you up.

Something will never go according to your way.

I, a girl that brought a lot of burdens to the others especially my families.

I truly wish I am born perfect with no flaw.

I wish I was born without tooth problem.

I wish I was born without a disease that lasts until the end of my life.

I wish my body is strong without having difficulty in doing any strenuous exercises.

Maybe sometime I wish I was not born in the first place...

Because I am just a heavyweight that is holding people back.

How many money was spent on me for this ~20 years of my life?

And now more problems arising and more weight I am going to put on them.

Why will I need to bear this burden of guilt?

What is the meaning of me keep on living in this world?

Why will they have to suffer because of me?

I really don't understand...

I wish to be strong.

But every time I tried to beat something.

Another stuffs coming in.

How many challenges left for me to overcome?

The thing is, can I manage to survive all through that?

Can I overcome my inner voice?

Please give me some strength

Wishing for some motivation juice.
I am unmotivated.
The sky is so dark that my heart seems to lose its way.
Being woke up by headache in the early of the morning.
It is funny how J and I think the same about the headache.
We both thought we gonna have a tumour in our brain whenever we have a headache.
Haha, I just love how funny we are. 
Pretty much everyone is asleep.
This isn't the first time but I don't like the feeling of waiting for everyone to wake up and not feeling alone.
Anyways swallowed 2 big pills of paracetamol.
My throat hurts like hell because of that big size pills.
Head still hurts from yesterday, hope it will be alright soon.
I need to do something productive for today at least.
Good luck everyone, hope the best for you all too as always.

I am still alive

Well hello world, it is been a while I must say.

Blogger has changed a lot while I was gone, I almost didn't recognise it anymore.

I hope everyone here is doing fine as well throughout this outbreak.

It sucks, I know.

I guess most of the stuff is halted just because of the pandemic.

However, I want to say that always remember it is not the end of everything.

We can beat through this just like those past diseases such as H1N1, SARS and so on.

Just checking in before my online poultry class starts.

I thought of writing something and wanting to feel alive at the moment.

I found a comment that I love yesterday in Reddit would like to share with everyone here.

"Just remember that you are nobody until somebody loved you, and that somebody, is me. I love you."

Well, I guess it is almost time for me to leave again.

Back to work guys, good luck everyone.

The break

Is this the end of us...?
All because of me... 

I wanted to cry out loud...
I wanted to have someone to hug me and say it is gonna be alright...
But fuck I can't because I am at school and hostel.
I can't go back nor I have time for crying...

Is it all my fault?

Is it all my fault that I caused pain to other people?

If I didn't cry and act selfishly to force them together at that moment, would they have they be much happier?

If I were to let them divorce in the first place, would they have their own life now with another loves one?

What makes me then?

Where will I be by now if that really happen?

I am sad...

I am depressed...

I could've done something to make things right.

I should've let them divorce in the first place.

I should've traded my comforts with their happiness.

I shouldn't...

Why am in this kind of situation...

Why...?

Maybe I shouldn't have been born in the first place...

Maybe I am just a mistake...

The mistake that should've never made in the first place...

Attachment

Hello, world...
It is been a while, isn't it?
I have been through a rough way back.
Well, it is still a rocky right now despite it is a new year.
You know I used to tell people that "hey new year new life, cheer up mate".
However, this time I don't think I can be as cheer up as I am used to be.
It sucks for me to feel that way.
I feel unmotivated for practically everything.
Living, studying, exercising etc. you name it.

The older I get, the more the feeling of fear I get.
Time never stops moving and that is what I am scared of.
My grandmom, my dad, my mom and the rest of the people I know are getting older as I am typing it right now.
Even though I hate some of them, I still scared of losing them...

Have I told you a story of mine crying over a loss end kite?
There is a time when my mom and my aunt brought me to the beach and they got me a kite, a pretty cheap and fragile kite.
It was fun to fly a kite and I loved it so much.
But then what I didn't know that I let down too much of string and it flew off.
It never came back.
For that, did you know how many nights I have cried?
Almost a fucking week I cried over a kite.
I fucking hate it because I can't control my emotion.
Once I got attached to something and if I lose it.
Then I will lose myself as well.

The fear that I have now motivated me to distance myself from others even more.
I wish that I could distance myself and then I won't get any feeling towards anything.
Sound selfish, isn't it...?
Will people understand?
It is not that they are in fault, it is all my faults.
I don't hate anybody, I just don't deserve to be with anyone.
Maybe I don't deserve any of this.
Maybe I don't deserve to be here at this moment.
I hurt so many people by doing this.
What can I do about it?
It is really all my fault.

Actually all I have to do to tell everyone about it and then they will understand right?
But...
I just got no motivation to do so.
I just don't feel like doing anything.
I just don't want to confront anything or anyone.
I just want to let it all stop.
Stop making noise inside my head.
Why I can't just have a simple mind?
Will I be okay if I am out of this world?
Well, I am afraid that won't happen because I am a coward...

Just let me rot to hell...

I feel so fucked up, but I can't talk about it...

Kill me please or maybe put me into coma again...

Hard to go by

It is true that my friend told me it is hard to go by those feeling...

Those new feelings, are too hard to get over with...

I understand a little on why people acted spacing out, grumpy or maybe feeling unmotivated...

Oof, this is tough but I wish those feelings can move on quickly...

I need to regain myself back quick, feeling sorry for myself isn't gonna solve anything.

Read some articles today, just grateful that good authors existed.

They have helped lost people to be able to trace back to the right track, thanks.

To me and to anyone who need this, stay strong and hang in there.

This is not over yet, life is not over yet, you can do this!

This is just too overwhelming...

Hello world...

It is been awhile eh?

Well I hope everything is good for you guys...

To me, I am really not in a good shape since dunno god knows when...

There are a lot of bombshells going on and on... 

I can feel myself mentally and physically being torn into pieces...

My happy go lucky spirit is dying out, I have become weak for the past few weeks...

How many nights that my eyes are not dry and not swollen?

But then I realized that, I am the one that chose to walk on this path...

Is there any way for me to turn back?

Today someone threw a bombshell to me.

Well I have seen a lot of that in the internet but I never encounter one right in front of me.

To be honest, I am really shocked and scared at first.

I am still scare and I really dunno what to do about it.

I tried to help, to give advises, to explain some logic senses, to give suggestions.

I have spent my entire night thinking and worrying, I didn't really sleep much because it troubles me so much.

However it is a bit futile because I didn't help a bit.

Now I feel mixed emotions, feeling angry but still worry.

I know I shouldn't be like that, I should be more more patient.

Well I just got furious because how hard I try to make someone clear that it is pointless and doesn't fix anything at all but make more problems.

I fail to make someone clear in the head.

I have read about article that I should not ask why they do it and try to listen to them which I tried to do so...

But I am really angry that why can they be so selfish?

Why they choose to do something that hurt people around them and especial to me?

Maybe they have tried hard to stop that but can't because the urge is too strong, still I really wish they choose not to do it...

I am not gonna lie, it traumatizes me really...

If they really love the people around them, I really wish they can think of them before deciding to do it...

All the best, I give all my faith in you, I give all my virtual hug and love to you...

I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible...

Something pretty bad happen since last week, I feel terrible bad and guilty...

I mean I didn't mean to do it but I guess I have made at least 3 person feeling damn hurt and frustrated at me.

Today, I hurt someone that is kinda close to me, well even though we just met for like a month ago, we have a lot of fun together.

I guess this close friend of mine have been inviting me and waiting for me to come back and wanting to play a few round with me.

However shit came out because bad timing and I always break my promise with him and ditch this close friend of mine.

Well just now I can see he is real mad and disappointed in me...

Same goes to another 2 person I guess...

This is just bad and I can't stop feeling bad...

Sometime I wish I could separate into different space and fulfill everyone's promises...

You see, trying to do 'something' you are not used to it really is tiring.

I should have know damn well I should just be myself, that is what people around me keep telling me to do it.

However sometime it is frustrating because when someone need that 'something' from you but you can't give it to them.

It makes them disappointed and I feel so damn fucked up...

What should I do then, leave them behind or try hard to reduce my own fucked up feeling?

This is contradicting...

Truth can be a bitch and harsh but it is real...

Lies can be a dreamland of yours but it is fake...

Then I wish to know, would you rather pick the truth or the lies?

How do I able to tell the truth with sweet-coated words?

This is so tough, I can't take it really.

I can't tell you everything is alright when I know damn well it is not alright at all...

That is just cheating, it is like lying to yourself to feel much better...

It is like having to know your husband or wife is having an affair but you choose to tell yourself everything is alright and fine...

It is like you have killed someone with your own hand but then keep telling yourself nothing have happen.

Well I do respect the other opinion, like sweet-coated word does help for some situation.

I just need time to go through this, I don't think I can take that idea so easily, being taught in rough way since young...

In my opinion, truth is hurt but it wakes the people fucked up and stop lying to themselves...

Arghhh, my word is harsh again...

Fuck me, maybe I am the only one weird out here...

Well thanks so much to Mr N for lending your helping ear today.

Even though I just threw all my problems to you without asking you first...

I am so sorry but you are willing to listen and give suggestions and also lighten the mood.

I am thankful, your efforts I will soon repay back :)