What a dumb fuck I am D:

Oh guys, I feel like dying out T^T
I am so embarrassed with myself!
Why am I always look so dumb to those people that I respect so much?
Where should I hide my face now?
Where are my brain cells when I need it the most?
I hate myself for looking so stupid huhuhu...
I don't like to loss control of myself, I can do maths and sciences perfectly.
Buy why can't I socialize and understand people's joke?!
It is a simple social skill, I just can't do it right...
Let me hide in the deep hole for now... T^T

Another sleepless night

Once again, I am tired and it is late night.
I couldn't find any reason to sleep yet.
I got tons of homework yet to finish.
I got a lot of thoughts in my head.
I am having an existence crisis.
Oh come on, mind set stop!
Can't you think positive?
I am falling down now.
I feel damn numb.
Please help me.
Fuck my life.
Nobody.
You.
Me.
I.

Sorry, I just got bored for a moment...

Don't start anything if you are not ready

To the most of the people I know:

Just don't say anything if you are not ready to share.
I really mean it...
This is because,
      You make me guess.
      You make me ponder.
      You make me eager to know.
      Whether my answer is correct or wrong.

I am here, in front of you because I am all ready to listen whatever shit you have, I am all ears!
But if you are not ready or brave enough, is better to keep it to yourself...
I trust you by giving all my attention to you and if you are going to waste my time for nothing...
Then better find someone else to talk with, don't find me :3

Stubborn

Ha that's right, I am fucking stone-heart stubborn biatch :3

What you gonna do hmph?!

My bad, I sounded like a total jackass there.

Well, I am just being salty today...

I am slightly disappointed...

Why people can't be a little like me for awhile?

Okay wait guys, don't misunderstanding my statement, I don't want everyone to be like me...

What I mean is that, I really hope people can be less selfish for a moment.

I know sometime people have to be selfish to get what they want, what they desire so that happiness can be achieved.

Well, I dunno man...

It is just that I don't feel it that way.

If that thing isn't yours then it is not yours.

I know it hurts so bad but at least only one person that got hurt.

So that it can avoid other people in that situation (sad and hurt moment), you know? 

I wanna to tell story of mine...

It will be a long shit story, for my remembrance anyways, you don't have to read if you don't want to...

I dunno what to say about myself but I have a serious bad crush all the time.

During form 1, I was a gamer.

I played SDO all the time, it is a social game where you can play and chat with people.

I spent a lot of my money too in there to buy clothes, so that to make myself beautiful.

Well I totally regret that but it is done...

Then, I 'met' a guy called "CY".

I don't know why I was so crazy about him, I remembered I keep calling his name at school.

All I remember is that he is older than me 4 years old and he likes pink.

We used to chat using SMS, because back then I don't have a phone...

I used my mom's old Nokia button phone to chat with him.

He is nice, I remembered he helped me top up whenever I am out of credit.

However, I was dumb and young that time, I know nothing and I was busy studying.

So I ignored him and in the end he went on cheating with other girls.

Did I feel sad?

I don't remember to be honest...

Next, I got a weird crush on my tuition sir back in Form 4 I guess...

I guess he is older than me 7 years old if not mistaken and his birthday is just the day after my birthday!

But ha, of course I am rational enough for not confessing dafuq!

I didn't even share it to anyone other than one of my friend (yeah you!)

You see, he changed my life.

If it wasn't him, I would have stop my study after SPM, I would have just went to my mom's office and worked till I die.

But he inspired me to study, to look towards to the future.

I studied hard also thanks to him.

He is smart too, even got grey hair lol and a night owl too!

The stupid thing I did is I purposely went to tuition early hoping that he is in the room so I could just see him or casually chat with him (senpai notice me!)

But most of the time, he wasn't there and I was devastating T^T

I even got jealous towards a girl because senpai keep noticing her instead of me :<

I was crazy about him enough to stalk him (yeah I know I am very fucked up bitch but shhh!)

Anyways, I know we will never work out because I couldn't imagine to be with his sisters, which is my teachers as well.

I used those energy as my motivation, to keep me moving forwards!

After that SPM, I rarely see my senpai.

I started to live a normal and bored life.

Until I met a guy, he is very positive and out-going.

He is intelligent too with all sort of history and general knowledge and friendly as well.

We hanged out together most of the time with other friends also of course.

He introduced me with his friends and drive me out too, that is the first I ever sit a guy's car.

That is moment I felt, wow that is awesome!

But then one day I knew that he likes one of my friend.

I wasn't surprise because I knew it all along.

I knew I am just not good enough D:

Of course, I kept his secret for 1 year but he couldn't so in the end the girl knew it and she rejected him...

I was still not that crazy about him yet that time.

Until one day, I felt my heart-beating so hard and couldn't get him off my mind.

I realized that I am fucked up...

We continued doing our outing and hanging out.

I literally wasted a lot of time there. 

One day, a girl randomly pop up and thing kinda change...

Well as usual, you got to share what you got right?

So three of us hanging out after that.

But sooner or later, I felt like have became their light-bulb.

In the end, it is over.

I wish them happy, but nope they didn't end up together.

Sadly, things just changed, he and I couldn't be like those good old days...

Still I really hope we could be friend but I assume he chose not to because I will make him remember her...

I couldn't tell the whole story because I dunno who is reading this...

But that is kinda fucked up, my heart hurt so much to the point I loss hope.

I couldn't move on at that moment, I am devastating and I couldn't describe how sad I am that time...

So to deal with that, I went for a jog, I went jogging until I am out of breathe.

I am angry that why it has to be that way, I just couldn't understand.

All I wanted is to wish them happy but in the end he chose to ignore me just because I brought bad memories to him.

I don't mind we are not together, but I am just disappointed...

Recently, I got a new weird crush again...

I think I am going to say I am sorry to someone I know because I have lied about something.

At that moment I don't even think that consider as a legit crush.

It is all just one-sided...

This is fucking weird because this guy is way way older than me but I just fucking go crazy about him. 

Well, he already has a girlfriend so yeah...

It is a mixed feeling, I was happy for them but I am also sad, how I wish to be with him.

Weird thing is that he isn't smart looking and he is a chubby fellow.

He is a nerd, like super duper nerd fellow, he is those typical nerdy guy you see on the street.

I just don't get it what in the world I am thinking lol...

Well he is a very determine guy, when he is determine to something, he holds it strong until he succeed.

He is a very hardworking dude, but he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

He just works all day long and never rest, it hurts to see him trying so hard to make things right...

He is a very mystery guy, he likes to keep stuffs to himself.

He seldom share his problems, even though I know he got a lot.

Maybe not my right to listen because I am not his girlfriend.

He is a funny guy for sure, that time having an outing with him and his special guest, he doesn't tell me who is that special guest.

I keep asking him but he made me couldn't sleep till the week thinking who might be it, but I guessed correctly in the end muahah!

He is a very patient guy too, oh gosh you can never know how patient he is!

Because I am very suck at something, I mean suck as in really really suck at it.

But he will guide me patiently and slowly and never raise a voice in front me, although I know he did it in his mind.

I wasted all his night time sleep for nothing but he just continue to guide me!

I am really happy, he just gives off good aura, his laughter is so contagious and he doesn't make me feel bad at all.

Instead he makes me feel more stronger...

Now whenever I am pretty down, all I do is to think about him and it drives me forwards again...

Because if he can do it, means I can do it too...

I think I have way out of topic, because I get too carried away with all of my one-sided crushes :3

Okay summary, what I wanna say is that, you don't have to be devastating because things doesn't go as you have planned.

You can devastating for now but no more, no point anyways...

To deal with that, just convert those feeling and motivate yourself instead!

We all deserve better!

Maybe different people has different perspectives...

But mine would be I don't mind being alone, but as long the person I like is happy, then I would be happy.

I am sorry to those that have faith on me, but sadly I am not on the same boat as yours.

I appreciate it really, I am stupid and stubborn I know.

Whenever I determined to something I just go crazy about it and I tend to ignore the rest...

Call me whatever you want, I will care for a moment but not for long anyways :3

Ciao!

Crazy people around my hostel 😂

Looking for a German daddy huh 😏

Finished test 1 of semester 2

Just finished all the test 1...
Pretty scare of economics subject because I kinda fucked up in the subjective question @@
I hope Dr K ain't gonna be killer and kill me T.T
I have heard a lot of seniors that say he is just like a killer, I should be careful.
But damn, it is too late I have done mistakes huhu...
Pray hard to me guys D:
I have been spending a lot of money for the past months.
I guess is time to wake up!
Don't waste too much of money!
Tomorrow (means today) I wanna finish all of my untouched homework so that I can relax during 1 week of sem break!
Okay, I guess I have to go off...
All of my roommates have slept @@
Ciao!

14th Pesta Ang Pau UPM

What's up everyone :)
I have been busying for an event (biggest event) in my university recently.
Yeah finally it is over now.
I am having mix feeling...
I was hoping to end faster because it is during Test 1, I have to sacrifice my study time because of this event.
However, once it is done I feel somehow sad and empty.
Productivity day is over now, I am back to normal university student.
I go to class on time and go back to room after class...
To be honest, I actually gained a lot of experience throughout the event.
It is fun yet tiring.

It started at 14th January, the external affairs camp.
I only went for 3 days out of 11 days.
It is damn fucking tiring I must say...
We were divided into group and different group will be assigned to different region.
Funny is that I was assigned to my housing area and my ex-office area lol :P
During the camp, we have to promote our event and find sponsorship.
Each day, we will have different partner to work with.
So it is a bit of challenging if you can't adapt quickly, you have to work with stranger @@
First of all, we went to the shop available there.
We introduced ourselves and asked if they were willing to sponsor our event.
I dunno if I am considered lucky or just coincidence because I always got the sponsorship first for the magazine package which cost around RM188 - RM888 during the 3 days camp.
But after that I got nothing special.
Too bad, I was unable to get the RM1988 sponsorship (the highest) :3
I can see some bosses are kind-hearted and some bosses aren't.
Some they willing to give out their selling products such as ping pong balls, games stuff and paints (lots of it).
Some bosses even gave us free drinks :)

Appreciate much!
However, some are pretty bad until they ignored, played and cheated us :(
I can't blame them also because their business ain't that good.
People, there are goods and bads.
Thanks for giving me a chance to talk with strangers and allowing me to let down my ego for once.
My ego was hurting so badly for that 3 days but I was satisfied.
I conquered my egoness!
The best would be the last day because we all went to Pasar Malam Taman Connaught, the longest of all.
Then at night, we slept at Kolej 11 (Engineering hostel).
3 people in a room, we shared 2 beds.
I remembered wearing the same cloth for 3 days straight @@
Thanks god the cloth dried quickly, if not ha...
It is tiring but also awesome, I learned the art of speaking with strangers :D
That is the starting of PAP. 

Then around February, there are continuous of meeting about the event.
I didn't attend much for the meeting maybe because I was busy or lazy (I have forgotten)
Then starting to have workshop every night until late midnight at Astaka Seni (kinda far from my hostel - 2.1km of walking)
There is no bus to that place which is why I hate it so much argh...
Thanks for the workshop, I am slightly less fat muahahah!
We did a lot of props, all from scratch, from a plain wood board, we measured and cut it.
Then we painted it with paints.

The king's and queen's sit.

The royalty people's sit.

Get to wear nice traditional clothes :P

Here I am selling pau XD

From plain white cloth, we measured, we drew and we coloured it!

The king's bedroom background.

Poor people's house front view.

We also painted some art onto plain wood :D

Our theme this year.

Some people went to a temple to make some lanterns too.

Piggy.

Our wishing booth with dabbing monk.

Lighting horse~

It is so tough but fun.
The thing I hate is I kept getting my hand dirty with the steel paint which I cannot remove it for few days.
I even got careless by pouring the whole cup of paint to my hands and legs because I dropped the cup...
We did all that for like a month I guess...
We did it because our theme is about going back home.
Which we wanted to show how old days, rich royalty and poor residents celebrate their Chinese New Year.
So our props are divided into 2 parts...
Too bad I was too busy to snap everything.
On 21st March evening until night and 22nd March from morning 10am to evening 6pm...
I was assigned to wishing booth which is my favourite of all.
It looks so nice and a lot of people came to my booth, most of their wishes are pretty hilarious.
Just hope everyone's dream come true!
It is just that the flow of people ain't much, I feel bad for the food booth seller because they were not earning much that day...
Thanks for the free foods aunty and uncle!
I wish your stall can earn more than usual!
Appreciate your kindess!

On 22nd March night, there is an extravagant (night show about Baba Nyonya).
To be honest, that is what I was waiting for.
Thankfully I don't have to buy the ticket (RM10).
The show is pretty awesome, with their act, storyline and also the stage props.
So nice and pretty informative about the cultural Baba Nyonya.
They have practiced for so long without sleeping but the show only last for 1 hour :3
幸苦了大家。

We have prepared so much, many sweat have been deposited all for these 2 days...
You know what?
The most saddest part is that we all have to destroy our hardworks on that night right away.
We smashed and threw all that chairs and paintings right after the show.
I feel slightly angry and wasted because that is our 1 month of hardwork and just like that, destroyed and gone...
My heart ache but what can I do...
There is no choice for them to change their mind in keeping the props all... TT
We cleaned up after the show until 4am and I have co-curriculum test the next day...
I only slept for 2h if not mistaken...
I don't even know if I scored well in that test ha (fishing test).
I got a lot of test unable to score because of you too!
Hmph, I have to burn midnight oil because of you PAP!
Hopefully miracle happen, I pray hard for that!

Yeah, I guess it is pretty much all of it...
This is by far the complete and precise version of one of the event I have joined hahah (photos included)!
Really, thanks for the experiences, it is so priceless...
Now it is time for me to say good bye to 14th PAP UPM :)

Value ≠ Price

Everything has its value.
I have value,
you also have value.

However not everything has price-tag on it,
I am priceless,
you also are priceless.

You can't buy my heart because my heart ain't for sell.
Same goes to yours, this explain why I can't buy your heart...
Cruel reality :(

Twenty One Pilots - Chlorine

Me at the moment... 

Sippin' on straight chlorine, Let the vibe slide over me, This beat is a chemical, beat is a chemical, When I leave don't save my seat, I'll be back when it's all complete, The moment is medical, moment is medical. Loving what I'm tasting, Venom on my tongue, Dependent at times. Poisonous vibrations, Help my body run, I'm running for my life. Fall out of formation, I plan my escape, From walls they confined. Rebel red carnation, Grows while I decay, I'm running for my life. Hide you in my coat pocket, Where I kept my rebel red, I felt I was invincible, You wrapped around my head, Now different lives I lead, My body lives on lead, The last two lines may read, Incorrect until said, The lead is terrible in flavor, But now you double as a paper maker, I despise you sometimes, I love to hate the fight, And you in my life is like... I'm so sorry I forgot you, Let me catch you up to speed, I've been tested like the ends of, A weathered flag that's by the sea. Can you build my house with pieces? I'm just a chemical.

RIP my soul

I really hope that I have the privilege to tell you:

It is alright, everything will be just fine. 

I am here for you, always will be there for you.  

Please share some of your burdens so that we can deal with it together. 

I know I can't help much but just don't shut yourself out.

I want to help you, I really want to... 

All I can say is you are not alone.

Don't stress yourself too much. 

I really hope you can take care of your health because I don't want to see you sick.

You are my source of energy right now... 

Je suis fatigué mais je ne peux pas dormir.
Ce sentiment me tue mais je l'aime tellement.
Suis-je fou?
Oui, je suis fou :)
Bonne nuit tout le monde~