I wish to be strong...

Life is a troll.

There will be no perfect life for anybody.

There will be something that will fuck you up.

Something will never go according to your way.

I, a girl that brought a lot of burdens to the others especially my families.

I truly wish I am born perfect with no flaw.

I wish I was born without tooth problem.

I wish I was born without a disease that lasts until the end of my life.

I wish my body is strong without having difficulty in doing any strenuous exercises.

Maybe sometime I wish I was not born in the first place...

Because I am just a heavyweight that is holding people back.

How many money was spent on me for this ~20 years of my life?

And now more problems arising and more weight I am going to put on them.

Why will I need to bear this burden of guilt?

What is the meaning of me keep on living in this world?

Why will they have to suffer because of me?

I really don't understand...

I wish to be strong.

But every time I tried to beat something.

Another stuffs coming in.

How many challenges left for me to overcome?

The thing is, can I manage to survive all through that?

Can I overcome my inner voice?

Please give me some strength

Wishing for some motivation juice.
I am unmotivated.
The sky is so dark that my heart seems to lose its way.
Being woke up by headache in the early of the morning.
It is funny how J and I think the same about the headache.
We both thought we gonna have a tumour in our brain whenever we have a headache.
Haha, I just love how funny we are. 
Pretty much everyone is asleep.
This isn't the first time but I don't like the feeling of waiting for everyone to wake up and not feeling alone.
Anyways swallowed 2 big pills of paracetamol.
My throat hurts like hell because of that big size pills.
Head still hurts from yesterday, hope it will be alright soon.
I need to do something productive for today at least.
Good luck everyone, hope the best for you all too as always.

I am still alive

Well hello world, it is been a while I must say.

Blogger has changed a lot while I was gone, I almost didn't recognise it anymore.

I hope everyone here is doing fine as well throughout this outbreak.

It sucks, I know.

I guess most of the stuff is halted just because of the pandemic.

However, I want to say that always remember it is not the end of everything.

We can beat through this just like those past diseases such as H1N1, SARS and so on.

Just checking in before my online poultry class starts.

I thought of writing something and wanting to feel alive at the moment.

I found a comment that I love yesterday in Reddit would like to share with everyone here.

"Just remember that you are nobody until somebody loved you, and that somebody, is me. I love you."

Well, I guess it is almost time for me to leave again.

Back to work guys, good luck everyone.

The break

Is this the end of us...?
All because of me... 

I wanted to cry out loud...
I wanted to have someone to hug me and say it is gonna be alright...
But fuck I can't because I am at school and hostel.
I can't go back nor I have time for crying...

Is it all my fault?

Is it all my fault that I caused pain to other people?

If I didn't cry and act selfishly to force them together at that moment, would they have they be much happier?

If I were to let them divorce in the first place, would they have their own life now with another loves one?

What makes me then?

Where will I be by now if that really happen?

I am sad...

I am depressed...

I could've done something to make things right.

I should've let them divorce in the first place.

I should've traded my comforts with their happiness.

I shouldn't...

Why am in this kind of situation...

Why...?

Maybe I shouldn't have been born in the first place...

Maybe I am just a mistake...

The mistake that should've never made in the first place...

Attachment

Hello, world...
It is been a while, isn't it?
I have been through a rough way back.
Well, it is still a rocky right now despite it is a new year.
You know I used to tell people that "hey new year new life, cheer up mate".
However, this time I don't think I can be as cheer up as I am used to be.
It sucks for me to feel that way.
I feel unmotivated for practically everything.
Living, studying, exercising etc. you name it.

The older I get, the more the feeling of fear I get.
Time never stops moving and that is what I am scared of.
My grandmom, my dad, my mom and the rest of the people I know are getting older as I am typing it right now.
Even though I hate some of them, I still scared of losing them...

Have I told you a story of mine crying over a loss end kite?
There is a time when my mom and my aunt brought me to the beach and they got me a kite, a pretty cheap and fragile kite.
It was fun to fly a kite and I loved it so much.
But then what I didn't know that I let down too much of string and it flew off.
It never came back.
For that, did you know how many nights I have cried?
Almost a fucking week I cried over a kite.
I fucking hate it because I can't control my emotion.
Once I got attached to something and if I lose it.
Then I will lose myself as well.

The fear that I have now motivated me to distance myself from others even more.
I wish that I could distance myself and then I won't get any feeling towards anything.
Sound selfish, isn't it...?
Will people understand?
It is not that they are in fault, it is all my faults.
I don't hate anybody, I just don't deserve to be with anyone.
Maybe I don't deserve any of this.
Maybe I don't deserve to be here at this moment.
I hurt so many people by doing this.
What can I do about it?
It is really all my fault.

Actually all I have to do to tell everyone about it and then they will understand right?
But...
I just got no motivation to do so.
I just don't feel like doing anything.
I just don't want to confront anything or anyone.
I just want to let it all stop.
Stop making noise inside my head.
Why I can't just have a simple mind?
Will I be okay if I am out of this world?
Well, I am afraid that won't happen because I am a coward...