Just let me rot to hell...

I feel so fucked up, but I can't talk about it...

Kill me please or maybe put me into coma again...

Hard to go by

It is true that my friend told me it is hard to go by those feeling...

Those new feelings, are too hard to get over with...

I understand a little on why people acted spacing out, grumpy or maybe feeling unmotivated...

Oof, this is tough but I wish those feelings can move on quickly...

I need to regain myself back quick, feeling sorry for myself isn't gonna solve anything.

Read some articles today, just grateful that good authors existed.

They have helped lost people to be able to trace back to the right track, thanks.

To me and to anyone who need this, stay strong and hang in there.

This is not over yet, life is not over yet, you can do this!

This is just too overwhelming...

Hello world...

It is been awhile eh?

Well I hope everything is good for you guys...

To me, I am really not in a good shape since dunno god knows when...

There are a lot of bombshells going on and on... 

I can feel myself mentally and physically being torn into pieces...

My happy go lucky spirit is dying out, I have become weak for the past few weeks...

How many nights that my eyes are not dry and not swollen?

But then I realized that, I am the one that chose to walk on this path...

Is there any way for me to turn back?

Today someone threw a bombshell to me.

Well I have seen a lot of that in the internet but I never encounter one right in front of me.

To be honest, I am really shocked and scared at first.

I am still scare and I really dunno what to do about it.

I tried to help, to give advises, to explain some logic senses, to give suggestions.

I have spent my entire night thinking and worrying, I didn't really sleep much because it troubles me so much.

However it is a bit futile because I didn't help a bit.

Now I feel mixed emotions, feeling angry but still worry.

I know I shouldn't be like that, I should be more more patient.

Well I just got furious because how hard I try to make someone clear that it is pointless and doesn't fix anything at all but make more problems.

I fail to make someone clear in the head.

I have read about article that I should not ask why they do it and try to listen to them which I tried to do so...

But I am really angry that why can they be so selfish?

Why they choose to do something that hurt people around them and especial to me?

Maybe they have tried hard to stop that but can't because the urge is too strong, still I really wish they choose not to do it...

I am not gonna lie, it traumatizes me really...

If they really love the people around them, I really wish they can think of them before deciding to do it...

All the best, I give all my faith in you, I give all my virtual hug and love to you...

I just hope everything will be fine as soon as possible...

Something pretty bad happen since last week, I feel terrible bad and guilty...

I mean I didn't mean to do it but I guess I have made at least 3 person feeling damn hurt and frustrated at me.

Today, I hurt someone that is kinda close to me, well even though we just met for like a month ago, we have a lot of fun together.

I guess this close friend of mine have been inviting me and waiting for me to come back and wanting to play a few round with me.

However shit came out because bad timing and I always break my promise with him and ditch this close friend of mine.

Well just now I can see he is real mad and disappointed in me...

Same goes to another 2 person I guess...

This is just bad and I can't stop feeling bad...

Sometime I wish I could separate into different space and fulfill everyone's promises...

You see, trying to do 'something' you are not used to it really is tiring.

I should have know damn well I should just be myself, that is what people around me keep telling me to do it.

However sometime it is frustrating because when someone need that 'something' from you but you can't give it to them.

It makes them disappointed and I feel so damn fucked up...

What should I do then, leave them behind or try hard to reduce my own fucked up feeling?

This is contradicting...

Truth can be a bitch and harsh but it is real...

Lies can be a dreamland of yours but it is fake...

Then I wish to know, would you rather pick the truth or the lies?

How do I able to tell the truth with sweet-coated words?

This is so tough, I can't take it really.

I can't tell you everything is alright when I know damn well it is not alright at all...

That is just cheating, it is like lying to yourself to feel much better...

It is like having to know your husband or wife is having an affair but you choose to tell yourself everything is alright and fine...

It is like you have killed someone with your own hand but then keep telling yourself nothing have happen.

Well I do respect the other opinion, like sweet-coated word does help for some situation.

I just need time to go through this, I don't think I can take that idea so easily, being taught in rough way since young...

In my opinion, truth is hurt but it wakes the people fucked up and stop lying to themselves...

Arghhh, my word is harsh again...

Fuck me, maybe I am the only one weird out here...

Well thanks so much to Mr N for lending your helping ear today.

Even though I just threw all my problems to you without asking you first...

I am so sorry but you are willing to listen and give suggestions and also lighten the mood.

I am thankful, your efforts I will soon repay back :)

Yeap...

Well you are right...
Maybe I should go sleep, fuck everything because I can't think properly now...
I hate you trust!
I hate you beer!
I hate you heart!
I hate you myself!
I hate you emotion!
I hate you rational cell because you left when I needed the most!
Sorry but not sorry, good night...

Urghhhhh!

I just wanna cry so bad right now...
But I can't because my brother just won't leave me alone!
Why...
Tell me why won't you leave me alone arghhh! (flipping table and throwing stuff in my mind)

Second time...

Okay this is the second time already...

While waiting and waiting for you but you never replied...

I keep telling myself that maybe you are bathing or eating, keep telling myself over and over again.

But there is always an inner voice of another self that keep telling me 'your boy is talking to her, you have been forgotten, girl'.

The thing is I don't care if you do or don't talk to her, what make me real angry and sad is that you could have let me know that you need time off to talk with someone else you comfortable with so you will be unavailable at the moment.

Instead of doing that, you blankly ignore me despite I know damn well you can see I have sent in multiple messages at different time,

You let me wait and worry about you for nothing then just to realize you are talking to her?!

The first time when you told me that you have finished your business but forgotten to un-mute yourself from the call because you were talking to her.

Although you talked with her for 10 mins, well that 10 mins I could have done something else...

I waited for an hour to find out that after you finished your business you were not return at me first but at her.

I was jealous of course at first but I am still cool with it, but now I am not, I am hurt and angry and sad!
I don't want to be like a jealous bitch because of that, so I was okay with it for the first time.

But for second time I am really pissed and hurt!

I was out for like 8 mins when you asked for help, I quickly reply you once I am finished my bath.

There isn't a reply so okay, I thought to myself, maybe you were busy cooking or something else...

After half an hour goes by, I sent in message and nothing...

Another 10 minutes, nothing again...

Then when I confirmed my guess is correct, arghh fuck I just can't take this anymore!
I just need a cool off and fresh air.

You know there is once, I even have a nightmare about her taking away you from me.
Afternoon nap is a bitch because it always shows my subconscious fear of mine.
That is why I detest afternoon nap, but I am shocked to get that kind of nightmare
I never dream about losing someone else but this time I got shocked and woke up from it.
Damn, where is my usual self, the one that is carefree and chill person?

I always set you as my priority but then I wonder, what or who is your priority?
I want to be the one that can help you with inside and also outside, not just from sexual side you know?
Right now I don't even know about that, to be blunt and harsh word, maybe I am just a toy to you.
That is all I can feel right now.

And damn why is everyone likes to disturb me while I am in such bad shape?!
Tell me why huh?!
Why are you keep spamming me?!
Why are you keep calling me?!
Why are you keep knocking my door?!
And thank you bro for bothering me with your sad stories and the beer!
Let me finish this bloody beer, I am so pissed because people keep bothering me when I need silence!

Oh "good news" tomorrow morning have to head to hometown, good timing~
No more internet I shall say...
Argh!