Adesso basta

Enough is enough.
You know what?
Deep down my subconscious, I just want to say... Fuck!
I want to yell!
I want to scream!
Or worst I want to smack someone hard, like really really hard!
I always visual myself hitting someone as bad as I could just to relieve myself.
Don't ask me why, I don't know much myself either.
I am really not in a mood!
I am in denial!
I just hate myself in such condition.
I hate that I couldn't sleep every night.
I am so mentally fatigue but hell wouldn't allow me to sleep in peace!
I couldn't sleep just like my other family members.
Too much thoughts, too much of brain activities that I wished I could just press a button so that it will be shut down.
Fuck!
Even if I managed to sleep, I will end up in nightmares.
All tooth that fell off my mouth and being in a zombie apocalypse.
No, it is not because I played too much of Left 4 Dead 2.
I only played it few times with my friend and her bf and bf's friend.
I have dreamt it for like passed few months before I even have that game.
Yes, I couldn't sleep well for a long time now.
Double yes, it is frustrating me!
It is funny that I even have the continuous dreaming about zombie apocalypse.
Yesterday, I scolded someone in my dream.
"It is because of you guys' carelessness, you all let those zombies back in our base again!"  
The word 'again' like I have non-stop killing those zombies.
I am hella scare that I might get bitten in the dream, but I haven't encounter one yet.
I even searched up what those dreams are telling me.
Well it is just some insecure and some life changing shit.
What my subconscious trying to hint me?
Now, I am back to my depressive episode again.
Hiding myself from everything.
I spent my whole damn day reading.
I let myself dipped into the world of the books I am reading.
Non-fiction or fiction will all do the tricks. 
A popular comfort-zone I have now.
Leaving all the messages unseen.
To be honest, I know everyone hates that.
Yet, I am still doing it.
I did say I will change it. 
But no, I failed to do so.
Why you ask?
I don't fucking know!
I don't even know what is wrong with me!
I am lost!
I am fucking piece of a potato!
It is funny, this depressive episode just came out of nowhere.
I was still sane before that, I guess 'sane' is a bit wrong choice of word.
I guess 'in elated episode' is a better replacement.
I went to a movie with my tuition friend or maybe what he claimed himself as 'trial bf' just few days ago.
And yes I really enjoy so much during the movie, Ant-man this time really hit the top with their plot.
And yes, we went to some shop to check on my router because it seems like I really need to change it.
He did a lot of help by asking those people in the shop for me.
Which I personally detest to do it myself because I hate asking.
I even hyped before the night and will inform my friend about what will going on that day.
Yet the next morning, I just lost it.
All seems dull to me.
I lost my drive.
I am back to the pathetic self.
I started to ignore all the messages.
I don't know man...
I keep trying to find excuses.
I always blame on the health condition I am in.
I blame on it that caused me into such up and down episodes.
I always blame on the increase dose of Levothyroxine Sodium which directly increase the side effects of those drug. 
Fuck the side effects, I am going to be bald soon if it doesn't stop.
Sometime I even doubt that whether the doctors knew what they are doing.
After so long, so many years.
It seems like this disease getting worst with all those treatments. 
I never sign up for all these.
Or did I?
Oh me in the past-life, did you sign something like this to pay off your sins?
No, I never believe that but somehow it kinda make a bit sense.
Well, I know everything happens for a reason.
But what?
I can't stop complaining!
What should I do now...  
I thought I have gotten over it.
I even set a lot of inspiring quote backgrounds for my new laptop desktop.
Trying to remind myself to stop all these bullshitting.
Like hell it will work for me.
I don't know what now...
Maybe I already know the answer of it but I just let my negative emotions get the best of me?
No maybe I don't even want to change.
Is this what my mind telling me?
Damn, you know how hard I am trying to understand what myself want.
I always do a lot of research on topic of mind.
I downloaded the well-known Paul Ekman's book to just understand my own emotions.
I even bought books about how to understand myself through body language or non-verbal communication. 
I understand when I am stress, I will constantly self preening.
I know all that but I just don't get the purpose of it.
What am I depress about.
Why am I making myself so complicated...
When I depress I will end up going for a jog every evening.
However, I don't understand what is wrong with the weather these days.
Are you guys trying to make fun of me now?
Always rain during evening, rain during when I want to get the peace of mind.
I am a person that go full blow exercising when I am fucking depress.
I got this habit back in form 6.
I have a crush, oh correction: my heart have a crush but not my mind.
I am surely sure that, him and I will never work from the start even though my heart thinks otherwise.
Lastly, it ended up bad.
I realized that something, a pathetic yet cruel truth.
It is that, if you don't have fucking nice arse or boobs, you are fucking out of the games.
Yes, I concluded it after so many guys confessed to me about that.
I just don't understand sometime, I get a lot of guys confessed to me that they have crush on someone.
It is funny because I always get to know, they just tell me about that.
Maybe to them, I am a bro and never a woman to them.
When I asked them what do you like about her.
Many will say she is pretty. 
A few will say she is kind/sweet.
And mostly will say oh man she has a nice arse and body shape, dayum!
Maybe they are joking to me, maybe I am wrong about men, well I hope I am wrong.
If you are a man and found this offended.
It is either you are not that kind person or you are.
You yourself know.
I am just spitting all the opinions.
So when depress, this saddening truth will emerge and it will remind me.
I must get fit, hell I don't want to lose to anyone.
Hah, I complained so much in here.
Maybe I am the one that have problems.
I am blabbering now...
It is 3.30a.m now and I am still being a night owl writing out my random thoughts.
People always say family is the best.
Every time people says that, I cringe.
Even sometimes I say it myself, I cringe too.
Damn, I don't get it.
Maybe I shouldn't complain about it because some people might be worsen than me.
Same goes to the sickness, I should be grateful that I am alive.
But sometime I just cannot stop the anger in me that what a parents I have.
So disappointing in them, so disgust on them but couldn't hate them because they did good things as well.
At least I am not sleeping under the bridge or eat sand for lunch or dinner.
But one thing for sure, I hardly miss them when I am out for so long without seeing them.
I went out alone, I went to Melaka for few days without them.
I feel great.
Although I am alone but no I don't miss them...
You know how angry am I to see no lunch when it is suppose lunch time?
Yes, luckily today I bought some ingredients before heading home after appointment.
It is not like you got work or duty to do.
All you do is laying on bed, playing your fucking phone yet you don't even know how to function it.
God dammit, spent all the time with phone and facebook.
The worst is that all you think is about yourself.
When things got ugly, all you will say is 'just let me die or something'.
Fuck, stop the fucking die shit.
I am tired of the dying craps of yours.
You never once try to help yourself even though how many times we tried to talk to you.
Your stubborn that ruined you.
Damn, you never know how hurt we are when you pull those string on us.
Fuck you, really.
Deep inside me, I am done with it.
It is 4 a.m. now.
Jeez, sooner or later my dad will be up and he will be snapped if he found me awake...
I still got a lot of bullshit to write.
This is me.
Yes, I swear a lot especially in my mind.
Well, I guess not all will be accustomed who am I really... @@
Since I always act nice or I can say fake nice?
It is not a proud thing to say but I am being a hypocrite all the time.
At least that is one thing I know about myself.
If someone could read mind, I will be damned.
This post is so so long.
I don't even know if I should put it out.
I always write a lot of negative stuffs but ended up in draft.
Haha because I don't wish to spoil my own image?
Oh great, I feel slightly tired now...
I don't even bother to check on grammar now :<
Damn, proofreading old habit!
So I guess this is it, I should stop before getting slit throat by my dad...
Ciao~