Hello, world...
It is been a while, isn't it?
I have been through a rough way back.
Well, it is still a rocky right now despite it is a new year.
You know I used to tell people that "hey new year new life, cheer up mate".
However, this time I don't think I can be as cheer up as I am used to be.
It sucks for me to feel that way.
I feel unmotivated for practically everything.
Living, studying, exercising etc. you name it.
The older I get, the more the feeling of fear I get.
Time never stops moving and that is what I am scared of.
My grandmom, my dad, my mom and the rest of the people I know are getting older as I am typing it right now.
Even though I hate some of them, I still scared of losing them...
Have I told you a story of mine crying over a loss end kite?
There is a time when my mom and my aunt brought me to the beach and they got me a kite, a pretty cheap and fragile kite.
It was fun to fly a kite and I loved it so much.
But then what I didn't know that I let down too much of string and it flew off.
It never came back.
For that, did you know how many nights I have cried?
Almost a fucking week I cried over a kite.
I fucking hate it because I can't control my emotion.
Once I got attached to something and if I lose it.
Then I will lose myself as well.
The fear that I have now motivated me to distance myself from others even more.
I wish that I could distance myself and then I won't get any feeling towards anything.
Sound selfish, isn't it...?
Will people understand?
It is not that they are in fault, it is all my faults.
I don't hate anybody, I just don't deserve to be with anyone.
Maybe I don't deserve any of this.
Maybe I don't deserve to be here at this moment.
I hurt so many people by doing this.
What can I do about it?
It is really all my fault.
Actually all I have to do to tell everyone about it and then they will understand right?
But...
I just got no motivation to do so.
I just don't feel like doing anything.
I just don't want to confront anything or anyone.
I just want to let it all stop.
Stop making noise inside my head.
Why I can't just have a simple mind?
Will I be okay if I am out of this world?
Well, I am afraid that won't happen because I am a coward...
