Dopamine

Where are all the dopamines when I really need it?

Anything different?

Yo world!
Do you guys see anything different when you guys enter here just now?
Yes yes? 
No no?
Okay haha I know it is nothing special, pardon me for being childish.
It is just a preloading page that I copied from a website :P Click here to go to where I get this preloading page 
I am really happy being able to change my theme, even though it is just copy and paste code in html part haha!
It is so fun to mess with the html code.
But I know that preloading page can be troublesome.
Let me know if you hate it, I will remove it asap!

To be honest, I didn't know that all websites are typed in code, it is just recently I knew about it.
(There is no too late to learn anything, right?!)
You see, the old me is a stubborn person, I used to hate learning new stuffs especially the things that I don't know about.
Why? I guess maybe because I don't want to admit that I am suck at it?
(My ego level is beyond infinity level -face palm-)
However, I like the new me now - the inquisitive one!

Yet, I am still suck at it, I just know how to copy and paste :P
But I want to learn more and to make my own webpage.
Thanks to my mom, I helped her copy and paste code for her job last time.
Then I get to know what is html all about.
Last time I thought we just add the html code in the layout (blogger) then music/clock comes out just like in my blog.
But then I didn't know by writing this, there are also html behind it @@

There is a senpai in my office that know much about html, let me introduce you the Mr A the IT guy!
I like him so much, he is nice, a very responsible person.
He printed out a bunch of notes and quizes for a non-related worker like me, of course not just me still got others.
I hope to learn more about it from him within this last month!
Thanks ya, I will try hard to master it and not gonna let you down!
Lastly, the things I like about him is that he plays games like a pro too!
In office and in game, two different fellow haha!
(lol if he found out I talked so much about him, I will jump off the cliff and die of embarrassment) 

That's all for today!
I will try to post as much as I can about what's going in my life.
To write down and to live a life where I will always remember.
Hope you guys have a wonderful life as well!
Ciao!

I tried so hard

Why try so hard to hold on something that isn't yours?
Why try so hard to keep up with someone that doesn't look upon you?
Why try so hard to keep on looking backwards which there is no turning back anyways?
Why try so hard to wake up every single day but keep doing the same thing over and over again?
Why try so hard to be perfect, to impress and to get attention from other people but actually there isn't one? 
Why try so hard to find happiness when there is no such thing that can make you happy?
Why try so hard to find the truth when lies always be there with you?
Why try so hard to keep your sanity when the life you live on always fuck you up?

Confuse and lost as always...

Today story of my life #13

Hello world!
It is another story of my life.
Apparently, there is nothing special happened today, I just wanna write something here.
-something- 
Ahem, okay no more joke.
Let's get into business, but I want to tell you that it will be super boring like those in the previous posts, as usual.
Another deep thought about myself again XD
Bear with me haha! 

It is been few days!
I worked non-stop for few bloody days!
Drafting, proofreading, observing, looking for drama in office and so much more!
I am tired!
Physically and mentally!
I know same old words over and over again :3
However, I feel extremely great after working for so long.
It refrains me from thinking too much.
Before the work loads came, I spent too much time flash back old stuffs - good and bad.
There is one thing that I am sure about myself throughout this past depressing weeks.
I hate to admit that it is I am afraid of losing someone I love.
-cough-
I always thought I can be with myself and never depend on someone.
I always thought I am an independent person.
The person who will always holds "who need anyone anyways!" principle. 
-cough hypocrite-
I can't believe I am so scare to the extent which I can go crazy for few weeks.
Why and what happen if you ever wondered?
To cut to the chase, I have been smelling rotten smell on someone.
Someone that I hate so much due to certain things but I can't lose him too.
At first, I thought maybe I am wrong about it, maybe it is because he doesn't bath or anything, yes?
But the smell of rotten meat getting stronger every time I am near to that fellow.
Plus that fellow got some health issue too...
Right at that moment, I am so scare that that fellow's time is close to the end.
Maybe he will just vanish, gone into thin air just like the others.
I don't think I can't handle that. 
I told my feeling to my bro because it is so urgent but I regretted as usual.
He is just like others people, always shrugging me off and pretending that nothing happen.
But I can't blame him too, he himself got problems that I can't relate and handle.
The feeling that I always want to escape from and trying to run away - feeling of losing someone...
This is why I always trying to distant myself if I got too carried away with anyone.
Well, it fails once and I learned my mistake and I won't make mistake twice. 
Am I being selfish?
By being nice to someone, gaining people's trust and then turn their back on?
Well I didn't that do at first, it is until somebody took away my faith.
All thanks to silly me that letting my guard off to the wrong person.
Yes or no for that question, doesn't matter to me anymore.
It depends on how you perceive me anyway, I have no right to judge either. 
Somehow that is what life is isn't?  
Life always reminds me that:
People comes and goes.
People doesn't stop and waits for you.
You are just nobody to start with and end with the same nobody. 
Heck, I am going to get through this by hypnotizing myself again just like how I did for the past time. 
Tsk, the more you know about me, the more you will see how fuck up I am.
I am just a self-centered fellow :3
I am just like those characters in typical tv drama.
Unfortunately, I am not the main character that all good and mighty.
Yet, I am always be those side characters that full of jealousy and hatred in me.
That depicted how am I in person. 
Well, it is not like there will someone read all through here, right @@?
If you are still reading it, kudos to you seriously...
I love you.
Seriously, I mean that.
 
Well, other than all about being sad, depress, deep and bla bla bla!
-trying to change topic to avert awkwardness-
Oh boy, you will never understand how much I love OT. 
I love OT so much!
After office time, the office is so empty and less stress.
It is so damn chill and peaceful compared to office hours.
Of course there is another reason why I love staying back haha but I guess you can guess it!
Too bad I can't stay later than 6pm because the way back from office is dark and dangerous...
Tch, my mom always ditch me after 5pm which is why I can't stay long.
By the way, I can't believe I have been working for almost half a year.
I mean almost, my contract is going to end next month.
It is kinda sad because I am going to leave and continuing my studies.
I don't even know where I am going to study in the future, still waiting for the result.
But some part of me really wish to stay and continue working there.
I learned quite some skills in there, I really wish I could have more time, learn more and contribute to help the office.
That office has the same age as my brother haha, from young till now I see and play in that office.
So much memories.
Haha, it is true that my friend and my teacher once told me that I should not work more than 4 months.
This is because you gonna lost your interest to future study and continue working. 
Well I am going to proof to you guys that I am not!
I am gonna fucking study and work my way to my future ( if I have )
Oh lord, I don't even know what the future have for me to deal with.
I might pray for all of you to do whatever that makes you happy too!
Let's fight together!
Roar!!!
Okay, I know that's unnecessary haha... 
Ciao!

Dream

“What is the purpose of my life, is it doesn't have to do with learning to let go?” - Jack Johnson

Dream is what most of the people have in them.
However, sadly not all dream come true just the way we want.
Even though with all kind of efforts and determinations, dream is still a dream for some people.
Does that mean that we need to learn to let go something we truly want?
Isn't that unfair?
I wonder... Is life even fair from the start?

...

I came across people telling me that the job they are having right now aren't what they first dreamed of.
Mr A the IT guy, I mentioned before remember right?
He told me that before becoming an IT guy, he actually wanted to learn graphic design.
Maybe because during applications, he and his parents messed up, they thought IT and that are the same?
I am quite surprise to find out that he likes graphic design.
My brother doesn't feel happy to become a graphic designer.
As far as I know, many people aren't respect those graphic designer...
They thought drawing is an easy job, everyone can draw is what they think so they could just look down on them.
Drawing needs ideas, passions, supports, respects and much more in order to do accomplish their tasks well splendidly.
We really need to show some respect to graphic designer!
I can see Mr A the IT guy really interested in those, but he got stuck into this IT business in the office.
Busy all day and night due to unorganized system in the office.
Good thing is that he still manage to learn all Photoshop/Illustration by himself.
I admire his spirit.
I shall hope he is happy with his current job.

Second person that I want to talk about is F-san from the office too, the one mixed Malay and Japanese.
Well this guy, at first I am not fond of him because of the rumors about him being a lazy fellow.
You can see my post <Observation>, I regretted talking so much bad stuff about him last time.
My first impression of him is no so good.
Worst is I can't believe I hated boss so much in the beginning too, I need to retract that statement!!!
Sorry boss!!! 
I really should never judge people by their covers and of course rumors too.
Thanks so much boss for letting me go for lunch with the customers and get to eat nice western food!
I truly never expect boss to be easy-going type haha...
Gomen'nasai M-san(boss) and F-san!
By having lunch with F-san, I am able to know little about him.
F-san as a business/salesman, but he actually wants to involve himself with astronomy stuff.
I kinda knew he will say that, I dunno why but my intuition told me that.
Oh boi, when he starts with those galaxy talks, I can see his eyes beaming like a kid.
He explained about outer space, told me about how he saw Jupiter when using his friend high-modern telescope.
He knows a lot of stuff but why doesn't he go for his dream?
I am so curious because he is so into those stars stuff but why end up in this office?
I don't dare to ask, scare it it is something he doesn't want to share @@? 
I will just hope the best to him anyway.

...

I really want to know more about people around me and what actually they have been through.
I bet some people want to tell their story too but can't find anyone to share with.
I wish to be that person but sometime I can't promise to keep it a secret ==
I am so bad I know it TT because sometime I can't handle the thoughts so I write it here.
Of course I make it anonymous so no one will know anyway haha! 
Through listening I really can see so many different story from different people.
With this I started to ponder more things about life.
How intriguing life is.
Unfair, cruel yet it is still fun to explore.
In my perspective it is truly sad that what you really wish to be VS reality, is just like day and night - a different story.
I really wish they could just be what they want to be and be happy too!
Anyway, all the best for everyone, of course to you readers and last but not least myself haha!
Definitely cannot forget myself, I am totally a self-centered fellow for sure #confirm!
Well! It is late right now and got to go work tomorrow.
Ciao!