Why?

Yo another post for today.

I wanted to write this for quite some time but I always forgot to write.

Is kinda funny to say because I bet you can see how childish and stingy am I...

It is about my primary school stuff again.

Recently, I was added to a Whatsapp group called '6M'2010聚会'.

Ha, how funny is it?

After bloody 7 years?

After what everyone did back then primary school time?

Why now?

I don't even know if you guys still remember me but all I know is you guys are fucked up.

From the deepest of my heart, I never once forget how perish my life was back then.

Although for you, it doesn't seem worst to you.

For me, everything is shit.

How I wish everyone of you all screwed up your life, I know I am fucked up as well.

But I can't stand to see everyone of you all live happily.

It been long time yet I cannot move on.

I hate everyone of you all.

I want to puke every time reminded of you all...

Every pain of you all get are my pleasure and happiness.

Every success of you all get are the one that killing me.

Psychotic? Yeah right.

Why now bother to add me in?

This might be the most fucked up post I ever write I guess...

This is how truly I feel about my ex-ex-classmates.

Whenever I get upset when speaking about my primary school.

There will be one people always say 'if you think everyone is weird or shit, is means that you are the one fucked up here, you are the odd one.'

Am I really the one that is the problem?

Sorry I really can't get over it, I want them to suffer.

Too bad that not gonna happen.

It is so funny when everyone move on but not me.

I don't understand...

Shit

What's up guys, how's going?

If you are feeling good that's good for you but if you are not remember that bad day ain't gonna last forever.

As the saying goes, there will be rainbow after the storm.

 

In that case, I wanted to say that I am not feeling good at all for a moment.

I want to die but I don't have balls to die.

For those who has been battling so hard not to end their life, good job for you and I am really proud of you.

Even if you don't and gave up, you done great job as well, at least you are brave enough to go on that paths...

But just wanna say that there is not ending, the end is the start of another thing.

Easy to say but hard to action, I still need comfort, I need to get out of this heavy, dying and shit feeling.

I know some of you gonna say 'Who doesn't need that?'

To someone who just passed by I give you my virtual hug for you :)

It feel so shit when you are trying to tell someone that you are feeling shit right now and that person will reply 'You got what to feel shit about? Get a life will ya?'

I always regret whenever I tried to express it, because I know everyone is like that, most of the time I got are disappointments.

Tomorrow is my best soul mate's I ever have birthday.

It supposes to be the best event that I always looking forward to, but this time I feel a bit of shit.

It is funny that I called her my best soul mate but I kinda know nothing about her....

It is so vague, I don't even know what does she like...

Other than dogs, blue colour, shoes and cars, I am unclear of what she really interested to.

It is funny that I claimed myself I am her friend but I don't actually spend time with her...

I isolated myself from everyone, I am such a failure which I know it from the start.

I don't know what should I do for her, what should I gift to her...

I am not a romantic person, I wanted to do a nice birthday gift like what the others did.

But I realized I don't even really know what I can gift to you, because I seldom spend time with you right now.

I always been hoping that we could be on the same school or class, but that are not going to happen because you have found your own path and so do I (even though I dunno what I want to do after that)

I was busying with all my stuff, I hate it when the 24 hours isn't enough for me.

I am not a good time management which can settle my stuff while at the same time to please everyone I know...

-I hate people started to treat you nice after they finish their exam or assignment, I feel disgusted. They should have make a consistent efforts try to be with you and settling with assignment. 

-I don't like people ignoring my messages, they should have try their best to reply. It feels so gg, it made me feel like I am done something wrong and that person ignoring my messages.

Above are the things that shot me right in the head, both are my classmates told me before when they are feeling super down.

And no kidding, it reminds me of you and I wonder if this is how you feel about it?

I feel shit if that how you really think and I have ignored everyone in social media...

To tell the truth, I don't even know why I did that, I just don't want to be active in anywhere.

All I wanted is to get the best result as I am a person who scare to lose...

You know, after taking my sem2 result, it is getting worsen.

I was kinda dejected when I saw my result, it is not that good because got a 'D' for the paper that I most confident and the others are 'B-'.

And because of that, I have to take 9 papers at the end of the year.

Trust me, the stress is real.

I never feel the stress until today.

I am dying when the time always end so quickly.

I know that I have said 'I wanted to die' countless time.

It is irony that I against people suicide but I myself keep saying I want to die.

I wondered why am I signed up for this road...

Questioning myself whether this is the right path for me?

I wanted to go to UM but as I know, I need to get 4.0 in order to get in that university...

I afraid I can't do it.

I need more time, I need the ability of not getting sleepy all the time.

I still wish the person I care so much could have just stay nearby, to go on same school and so on.

Too bad I think I have disappointed everyone but I accepted it because I deserve it...

Maybe I am not worth it.

Sorry to write all those sad sad post. Ignore it if you found it disgust...