Bone-weary

Is December now.

It is me or the time fly faster day by day?

I was used to be a baby, a kid, a youngster, a so called hard-core student and now what the fuck? I become a part-timer as a proofreader at my mom's office.

Everything happens too quickly and it is so overwhelming that I cannot digest it right away...

I still remember the past few months I have been living in 'hell'.

The ups and downs, struggling to survive in STPM, closing myself in room trying to swallow the facts.

When the room ain't the best place, I went out to friends' house to study like "there's no tomorrow".

To be honest, I felt like dying, got a feeling of vomit every day and night, have difficulty to sleep every night and even when you finally got to sleep, the alarm ringed...

Is STPM that hard? Or you just like to complain?

For a normal person like me, ya STPM is tough.

I always thought I am above average when I was in secondary school, I did well, if I can I always try to perfect my score and I seldom faced any difficulty in studying SPM.

However when I studied STPM, I realized that I ain't above average, I am just normal.

I have reached my limit, although it is fun to study and I understand but still unable to score perfect.

For some of them, maybe the examinations or STPM is just an 'EXAM', it is not so important, it is just a ticket for further studies bla bla bla...

But to me, it is not just an exam, it is more than that and I cannot fuck it up...

When everyone around you gives you faiths and trusts, hopes that you will score and everyone thinks that you will become a successful person.

It is tremendous tiring because people have set you a background/an image as a successful person.

If you didn't fulfill it = you disappointed them, for all the faiths, trusts and money that have been scarified by them are just in vain...

I dunno what to say, maybe this really isn't big problem, maybe I am thinking too much but I can't stop feeling horrible, feel like shouldering a big sack of burdens... 

I came across a video in Youtube last time and I can relate to it because it is so like me at that moment...

Here's the video.

I seldom confront to anyone about all these problems because I always think maybe there is no people would like to listen because all these are just a part of life that everyone goes through, "why complaint so much?"
These thoughts always refrain myself from talking == AHHHH (screaming from the inside)

Moreover, I might get criticize by others and I hate criticisms...

I am the person that cannot accept criticisms and I can't afford people judge me.

That's why I keep living what people like me to be and slowly I am starting to lost myself...

But why am I writing all these right now? 

Well maybe I just want sympathy from other people but I am too dumb to ask for help, because "my ego is hurting"... 

Kinda lost and tired for few days...

It been 7 days I worked for 8/9 hours non-stop.

Reading, checking errors, circling those world-wide (around 30 language) templates...

You can't afford making any mistake because if you do, office goes bankrupt.

By the way, I finally know why my parents always reach home, just lie down there and do nothing.

BECAUSE IS FUCKING TIRED until you don't want to move or talk or eat...

IT IS TIRING and I AM SICK OF IT even thought it is just 7 days (today weekend got OT and I still got works that haven't done)

AHHHH!!!

Sorry, I just came here to complain because I really am tired.

I know everyone have tiring day so don't mind me if you don't like me complaining ><

My friends did ask me before why I start working so soon (right after finishing my exam).

I kinda feel bad and sad at the moment, because of working I hardly hang out with friends.
I am the one that say "hey! let's go out together during weekdays since weekdays not much of people XD"

The timing is always bad and I feel truly sorry :(

Whenever people ask for going out, I always been busy on something.

When people messaged me, I just ignored their message because I really am exhausted...

Of course I feel bad for ignoring, it is so stupid of me doing this while I am the one hating it.

I bet most of them hated/bored of me because I always like this rejecting them...

But actually isn't that, haiz I just hate myself sometime...

Dilemma, wanted to stay alone but I felt lonely at the same time =..=

Why work?

Of course money, I really need money.

I am not a rich person, the truth is my saving is always empty no matter how I cut down my spending.

I never go out shopping, even if going out with friends, I mostly just follow and enjoy how they spend their energy on finding clothes/accessories/facial products...

I seldom go out eat expensive food, even if really got go out with friends, I always try to order the cheapest one because I know I can't afford those high price food.

Sometime, I just wondering how others can spend their money without getting broke?

I really don't understand how they can spend so much and still got money.

I really didn't buy anything useless, even the books also I borrowed from people/school.

I just can't relate, all I did was saving money D: but I can't seem to have own money to buy whatever things I like. 

It is so unfair...

AHHHH money/friends/life/studies... SIEN!

I dunno if I can face the future, I dunno what am I now...

I sounded like a materialistic person now and I don't like it...

AHHH I AM CONFUSE...

I know I said this many time but I am truly lost...

I am trying so hard to become what people want me to be and starting to feel numb about what I truly like.

Everytime is like both people in my mind fighting against each other because some part of me wanted to enjoy but some part of me told me to think wisely before doing something.

One- THIS ISN'T FAIR, FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT!

Two- NO YOU MUST DO THIS, DO THAT!

Am I sound crazy?

Ah screw it I don't even know what am I writing right now ==

I just wanna say sorry because I am aware that I am not worth it as anyone's friend...
But I just can't stand feeling envy...

Aduii, that's all and ciao~