Sending apologize to my health

What's up world~

I feel bad as I have been taking my health for granted during the holiday...

I feel the need to change real soon or else I will end up killing myself :3

Saying is easier than doing it seems, I have been telling myself to change my schedule to a better and healthier lifestyle since last 2 weeks I guess.

But to no avail, I failed miserably...

Back in hometown where everyone here is living pretty healthy lifestyle...

I am surprise at myself for waking up early every morning.

Because most of the time I couldn't sleep so why not just wake up and stop wasting time turning on the bed.

However I didn't sleep for full 6 hours uninterrupted, this is kinda suck = =

I am gonna do this, I will change my schedule real soon!

I don't want to randomly sleep during the day time anymore huhu~

I need to stay fit and healthy :<

I know you guys gonna laugh at me for bull-shitting again, I am gonna prove it to you guys then hmph!

Finally there is a motivation of being healthy sparked inside of me, let's do this my fellow comrade!

Talking to myself again in this early morning lmao, all thanks to our best man - sleepless brain.

Brain couldn't function well at this state, beg with my nonsense guys~

Okay, I guess I shouldn't post weird shit again, I seems weird person af O.O!

Ciao~

To J...

Hello night sky and to the whole world...
Many stuffs have been going on recently...
Like I mentioned on the previous post, something really sweet happens and it is awesome.
Indulging those lovey-dovey stuffs for the past days and nights with him through texts and also video calls.
We did a lot of shit stuffs (normal and you-know-what-smirk) and also exchange knowledge (mainly language such as French, Tagalog and Chinese but also history and science)
I love doing all that, it is super awesome, fun and also with a lot of covering face moment.

However, I didn't realize that there are a lot of big problems behind this international relationship...
It is just a bit overwhelming when I think of it...
Space problem, we are both in a different space and it is terrible if having a very suck networking because the calls keep cutting off, it is super frustrating...
Time problem, which is bad if the school starts later and both will have different time schedule.
Hell I don't even think if I am available at all when the school starts, then I will just make people waiting.
I hate letting people waiting for me even though I know I did that a lot of time, I feel really bad...
Parents and friends problem, to be honest I am very concerned about what other people will think about these.
I am sensitive towards these...
I can sense people are judging...
Well it is true that I can choose to say fuck it and don't give a fuck about them.
Still I can't do it okay...
Then I have a family that is super traditional mindset, to sum it up would be (no success life = no sex)
I dunno if you get it or not, it means if you don't have a successful and stable life means no marriage and relationships...
I just can't see to have the courage to tell them that 'hey I am dating right now'.
They will be fucking judging both of us and they will definitely not agree about us together...
And it will happen again just like how my brother and his ex-girlfriend, 10 years of relationship gone just like that...
Money is the biggest problem of all, travelling and visiting each other, accommodations and daily basics...
It is slightly out of my league...
I am just a degree student with a lot of loan debts.
Hell I am still depending on my parents with my daily basics.
How do I take care of the other if I can't even take care of myself...

The next thing I said might hurt you a lot or you might feel mad at me...
Actually for days and nights, tonight is the worst, I feel tremendous anxious and worries...
I know I shouldn't say this, because I promised you that I should take a break and stop thinking about this...
I just can't stop thinking about it, I can't just take a break like that, because the problems are still there...
When you said you will be coming over here, I am really happy and excited because I can get to be with you closer.
Then we can do all those couple things will do...
But sooner or later, I have a lot of planning and considerations to make...
Then I started to feel damn I am not ready for all that...
Who is going to pick you guys up when you guys come over here...
I don't have total free time and I don't have a car...
I don't have a house and monthly income to do it...
What should I tell my parents about my disappearance?
I can make excuses for few days but for the entire weeks, what should I say or do?
They are not open and modern minded like those people in the Europe or other country...
This is just tough and scary...

Well I can't say all of these straight face to face to you while voice chat just now...
Because I dunno how to start it off, you are so happy just now and I don't want to ruin the mood...
But I did ruin the mood at the end because I can't hide it...
Then this is why blog exist...
This is where I wrote my deepest inner feelings...
Maybe you are right, about everything can be figured out later...
But I guess right now I am just not ready yet...
I dunno how to tell you that I am scare and anxious.
When you said that you dislike betrayal, the more nervous I get...
I am scare of the responsibilities and the promises that I can't keep...
I dunno if you can understand, but I need to be honest with you about how I feel about all these...

Do you think after 3 years will change everything?
That my parents will think I am ready to have relationship?
And by that time I might have my own monthly income to do whatever I want?
And we can travel each other country more often?
I love spending time with you really, but I always wish how awesome if we are in the same country.
Then it will be less problems...
Too bad, reality hits me hard and holds me back...
Those problems will keep coming back and haunting me.
I should be apologize because you have so much faith in me and you are being so nice and lovely.
When you said your dad's third wishes is to have a family, I really feel happy and warm. 
You are blushing and being so cute over there, it melts my heart and at that moment all I want is to hug you badly...
I really love you but I am sorry that I am such a weakling and keep focusing on the bad side and trying to break your trust...
You said you are a very patience man, but will you be able to wait until I am really ready?
Imagine if it takes more than 3 years, more than that you can imagine? 
To be real straight forward question, will your dick be able to cum the fuck down? (pun intended here) 
Worst, what if I am ready and by that time I have changed my mind?
Will you be able to bless me and continue to be bff?
Those questions are pretty selfish of me indeed, I am sorry...
You can ask me back the same thing.
Let's say if you are the one that are changing your mind and gone for a better girl that love you more than I do.
I will definitely bless for your happiness... 
You will never know what will happen anyways, you are still young and maybe there are better girls out there?

Okay those are my random thoughts, shit I am dragging this way too long...
So do you think I should just go with the flow and stop thinking about all these, take it slow for a moment?
If it works then we will be together happily forever and lovely and do whatever we have discussed in discord (normal and abnormal)?
But if it is not then let the fate decides what will happen to us?
I guess the main question you might want to know right now is "am I chicken out right now?"
Right now at this moment, I am not chicken out.
Not until I know what you will say and feel all about these message of my inner feelings.
I do love you, but the problem is I am not ready and I dunno when I will be ready.
I am being emotional and insecure again today and this post might change about how you think of me...
I am nervous on how you will feel if you read all these...
I am ready for your message once you have read this...
The sun is rising now, gosh I still can't sleep because of these...
Ciao world~

Sweet thing happened tonight...

Something unexpected sweet happened tonight and I didn't know what am I thinking about.
I just did something that I never thought I will do in my life.
I just confessed to someone, well maybe confess is a strong word, let me rephrase it.
I just being honest of how I feel towards a guy tonight and I feel good about it.
I dunno if this is what 'love' all about but I am feeling on cloud nine right now.
Because he thinks the same as I do too.
All this time, I thought it is just me who have one-sided feeling and everything is just a role play.
I said that because we are doing role play all the time.
Sometime I even gave him some hints but he returns me with no interest.
But then after that, after what I have told him tonight, he then explained to me that he is just hiding his feeling.
Because he also thought that I only do that because of role play but well partially I am not >///<
We both misunderstood each other's real intention, this is pretty funny...
What if I didn't say anything tonight, will we be continue doing role play and pretending it is just a role play/fantasy?
This is kinda unreal to me, I still couldn't believe what just happened...
Well I am still concerned about the age gap between us (I am way older than him) and long distance relationship (we are in different country) and also about whether am I really have feeling towards him or it is just some lust feeling?
Moreover, we never met either, will I accept who he really is if I meet him in person?
These are the questions I am worrying about, but let's just go with the flow then...
I guess tonight is our official night being together?
Which means I am officially not single tonight :)
Okay, still feeling shocked but it is late and I guess I need to off right now!
Ciao and good night world <3

To: PMS

I hate you so much because you are driving me crazy right now :<

Fire isn't something you should be playing with...

Well maybe I shouldn't play with the fire if I know I can't hold it.
Hmm today is another confusing night, I couldn't sleep.

I have so many question about myself right now.
Why can I be so naive?
What's going on with me?
What am I doing right now?
What am I thinking right now?
Why thing doesn't go perfectly?
Why is it keep happening to me?

It is kinda frustrating when your heart and your mind are not synchronize with each other...
I am slightly disappointed with myself because of the hardships that I have came across so far.
Not going to tell what kind of hardships I am facing right now and how I behave towards those...
Because it is very embarrassing...
Maybe you have know about it but I will just keep it that way then...

Tonight, I am going to tell myself that...
You should not think too much...
You should just stop thinking nonsense...
You are a grown up fine lady then be like one...
(Well maybe fine lady is a wrong term because I am the worst female species you will ever find)

Still feeling confuse but it is almost dawn, so I shall stop right now...
Tomorrow is the time for me to do something real productive...
See you in awhile, sun~
Ciao~

Ouch headache...

I shouldn't be too emotional yesterday...

My head hurt as fuck for the whole night...

When I lay down, my head is pulsing painfully.

The pain is lesser when I sit up right but I am so tired yesterday night...

Damn, that is pretty painful torture to have so far.

Exhausted but couldn't sleep because of such excruciating headache...

Flipping and shouting for help, but sadly no help was given...

I was awake until the sun rise and I am glad that I head down to the living room...

My bro then asked me to have panadol.

Thanks god there is panadol around...

I personally don't really eat it, but today I learn its usefulness.

I gulped down one tablet but nothing happen lol...

Then luckily two tablets have the removing pain effect, feeling better afterwards...

So I went back to sleep for awhile but being woken up by neighbor's motorcycle sound (darn!)

Well, that's goes my disturbed few hours of sleep...

Still feeling tired, maybe I should just sleep early and prepare for tomorrow which is Wednesday :3

Things have been awkward between that unknown kiddo, but oh well...

Let's just go with the flow~

Shit = =

Tired and confused...

What just happened?

My eyes are really hurt now...

I acted just like a kid back then, a crying baby...

I bet my eyes are going to be swell for tomorrow...

Heart broken...

Hello whoever is it at here...

At this moment, I am feeling so so so sad.

I seldom cry over people that I classified as "friends".

I did but not often...

I cried over sohai lot of time back then but that is because I truly treasure her.

I couldn't loss her...

However what am I doing right now?

I am crying over a person that I don't even know anything about...

Where he lives, how he really looks like and god knows what is his true age!

It is just for almost a week, we spoke to each other and did a lot of shit during the night time.

Why am I feeling so heart broken right now...

I fucked up today pretty bad, I thought he has partners to play with and he doesn't need me.

So I didn't check on him and I went on with another friends of mine.

Then didn't realize he was waiting for me and he was furious that I left him. 

I didn't mean to do that but he wasn't convince...
He is not taking my bullshit it seems...

Well, I guess once glasses are broken never will be same...

I am truly heart broken, what have he done to me...

What is happening to me now?

Why am I crying so hard?
I don't really want to end this new friendship...
I didn't have so much fun, I mean so so much fun since secondary school time...
It is hurting, I am in pain...
At this dark night, I can only feel sadness because of my carelessness...
I made my old mistake again - for opening the door to my heart to someone else...
Ouch...

Relationship? Marriage?

Okay so I have been wondering about these for quite a long time.
People I know, people around the world are having at least one episode of those.
It is what people said 'the ultimate life goal'.
Bahhhhh, does relationship and marriage really the ultimate goal of all?
Funny stuff, why am I so against relationship and marriage then?
I guess all this time I was so detest the idea of R&M is because I am afraid of those idea.
Well maybe not guess, it is I am confirm that I am afraid.
Recently, I played role play game with an online friend of mine.
I realized that even though I know it is only a role play, when the question about relationship and marriage arise.
I couldn't answer it, darn!
It is because if I were to say yes, then I feel like I would be chained to this contract.
Plus, I don't like being chained, I love freedom, I love to do whatever I like!
I am very serious on this, I don't wish to break other people heart in the progress too!
I always hear some stories of my friends whom are having relationships.
They tend to explain about how sometime, something cannot be done in relationship because it will hurt the other person's feeling.
Life isn't perfect anyways, I know that.
But I insist on living the way I expect it to be - perfect.
Unless, I changed my mind in the future, that would be another story~

"Gold chain on the neck is still a chain..."

This is just my opinion about R&M, I am not trying to say those are bad, don't get me wrong...
I am just trying to get all these off my mind for a moment, about feeling scare and shit...
I have seen some pretty fucked up marriage, of course in my very own eyes.
I couldn't afford to be like them and the cycle goes on.
I know out there, there are good marriage and people marrying happily.
I shouldn't focus on the bad one, I know that.
But am I really the lucky one, get the happy marriage chance?
It is just like gambling, I rather not try my luck then.
Should I start to learn how to binary fission soon?
Science joke, can't help it :P
Anyways, just do whatever that makes us happy!
If marriage and relationship is fun and happy, then just go on!
If it is not and you are just a pussy like me, couldn't face the broken heart episode.
Then welcome to join me for binary fission club, just kidding!
Finally, I can get this off...
Ciao!

It is July~

Okay so...
It is July now!
My god what in the world made the time fly so extremely fast!
It is getting more and more faster!
Seriously, things have been well...? Go crazy for the past week.
Just finished 1 week of my semester break, although I have lots of to-do-list to settle.
Then, my lazy ass is not helping much anyways...
I have been busy gaming at night and sleeping at dawn.
This is kinda bad, but oh boy just let me do this for another week!
It is so fun to meet new people around the world and get to know each other through games.
And finally the great sohai finally bought PD2 and joined the heist crew!
However I am in a tough situation as the lobby can fit only maximum of 4 crews.
Can't wait to play with this sohai :P
Of course I want to introduce some of my crazy crews too!
It is almost dawn soon, of course I wanna wish one of my buddy good luck on the final finals!
Then it will be free~
Hurray then can do whatever you want!
Yassssssss!
Okay, ciao amigos~